What I remember about the rain

I remember the first time we stood in the rain. It was our first date, and you took me to a garden on the top of a building. There were dark clouds in the night sky, and I suggested that we looked for some shelter. I felt a little vulnerable and insecure, not just from the menacing storm clouds, but also because I felt that you were too beautiful for someone like me and this would only lead to heartache.

But you made me stay, and when the rain started falling and the lightning lit the sky you took me to the middle of the garden and danced with me to the music of raindrops pattering on the leaves. I was intoxicated by the scent of wet leaves mingled with the fragrance of your hair as I held you close, and any uncertainty I felt before rolled off me like the droplets of rain.

And I remember knowing that my life would be changed forever from that moment.

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I remember the second time we stood in the rain. It was after our first kiss, when you turned around and left without a word. I was confused, and frightened that I had lost you. So I waited for you outside your home, huddled up on the curb under the rain with nothing but a flickering streetlamp to illuminate the cold darkness. I was scared that you'd be upset to see me here, but I had to see you again.

You came back, and smiled when you saw me waiting for you. We hugged, we kissed, and we told each other that we'd never let each other go. And as we held each other under the rain, I could feel the warmth of our bodies melting away all the fears in each other. I was glad that it was raining, for it masked the tears of joy that were streaming down my cheek.

And I remember wishing that it would always be like this.

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I remember the third time we stood in the rain. It was at a train station, and it would be the last time I saw you. The morning rain made everyone crowd together in the shelter of the platform, but the bustle of wet commuters could not bring us out of our little microcosm.

Savoring every moment of our final embrace, we said our goodbyes; promising to be together again when fate would allow it. And amidst the chaos of a busy train station, I held you close for the last time... and then I had to let you go; just another farewell in a place where people convene in order to part. As the train pulled away and left the station, I could see the rain mix with your tears.

And I remember dreading that this would end the most treasured chapter of my life.

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I remember the last time I stood in the rain. I was in a garden, not unlike the one where we danced in the storm. But this time I stood under the rain by myself; alone in the dark empty garden. The raindrops and leaves didn't play their music anymore; creating instead an insane percussion that seemed to rise in volume in an attempt to drown out the thoughts in my head. It was in vain, but I appreciate their kind efforts.

I didn't know if the numbness I felt was due to the cold or the emptiness in my soul, but I knew that there would be no tears for the rain to wash away this time, for I no longer had the emotional capacity to be happy nor sad. Alone in the darkness, I tried desperately to cling onto my faith in life, only to feel it slip away from me like the rain through my fingers.

And I remember thinking back to a time when it was easier to let go of the past, because I had something to look forward to in the future.