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Chris'
Unofficial Handbook to Coat Wearing |
When most people purchase a
coat to wear, they do so in order to keep warm on a cold day. However,
a coat is different in that when you wear a coat, you're not just wearing
an article of winter clothing… you're wearing decades of cinema
tradition! Wearing a coat is an image cultivated by many Hollywood
icons in movies such as Escape from New York, Blade, and
The Matrix, and so when a person dons a coat they have to
adhere to certain rules in order to appease the Coat Gods.
So I took it upon myself, to
examine the movies, and figure out how to wear a coat, the John Woo way.
The proper way. The only way. Here is: Chris' Unofficial Handbook to
Coat Wearing.
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Chapter
1: Be your coat
When you wear a coat, it's not like wearing a shirt or jacket. It's more
like wearing some underwear. It becomes a part of you, like the symbiotic
bio-suits that Spiderman and Spawn have. It's an extension
of your physical form. Like an extra arm, or a strand of hair, it is a
part of your body. Therefore, like the other parts of your body, you must
always feel your coat. You must know where it is, and what it is doing.
You must always be aware of its presence. You wouldn't want your leg caught
in a car door, or your fingers stuck in a drawer; likewise you must never
let your coat be caught on something, or allow it to knock something over.
When I first got my coat, a
mistake I made frequently was accidentally tripping on my coat while standing
up after sitting on the ground. Somehow, while on the ground, my foot
will be placed unintentionally over my coat, and the act of getting up
will yank it, and I might fall over, or just look foolish anyway.
Looking foolish is not cool.
Sure it might not be to the extent of a situation like... getting your
coat caught on a nail while running away from a bomb that's about to blow
up, but it's foolish nevertheless. If you wanna be a John Woo hero, you
must be cool. So foolishness is a no-no.
Remember, when in doubt, if
you even suspect that your coat might get you in trouble by knocking something
over, accidentally flicking or brushing a bystander, or getting caught
on something, keep it close to you. Secure it. Don't give it the chance
to embarrass you, like a raging boner or high beam nipples.
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