Jan-Mar 2007

Archive (Jan - Mar 2007)

16th March, 2007

Ass-maggot cab poachers

I was rushing for a cab the other day, when I noticed a couple already standing by the roadside, also waiting for a cab, so I patiently stood aside and made no attempt to flag a cab before they had gotten one first.

That was when a pair of middle-aged office-women came out and proceeded to stand closer to the curb in a hostile action to encroach on our space. One of them also crossed the road and attempted to flag a taxi from across the street, blatantly ignoring the informal taxi line that had gathered at the road. I found this to be very discourteous, but decided to give them the benefit of the doubt as they might not have realized that we were also waiting for taxis.

So I approached the lady standing in front of us and politely informed her that we were already in a line waiting for a cab, and even if a cab should come from the opposite side of the road the early couple should have first claim to it. The response from her was a rude and stubborn rebuttal that there wasn't an official taxi stand on the road, therefore there is no official line and they are excempted from conforming to any queues.

When I replied that the line wasn't due to any official rule or law but rather just plain common courtesy, she proceeded to throw a hissy fit about how her husband left her to be a monk and how the one time she came close to achieving an orgasm, the AAA batteries in her Squiggle-Wiggle Writer pen died and despite violently dislocating both her wrists, she was unable to salvage her masturbatory efforts and was left bitter and unfulfilled.

I wanted to help her into a cab too, actually... HEAD-FIRST!

Interesting anecdotes, but unfortunately it wasn't really relevant to the matter at hand so I didn't accept it as an acceptable excuse.

Nevertheless, she didn't care about our opinions or the virtues of social etiquette, and refused to budge from her stubborn standpoint and her position at the curb. At that point, I wanted to help her into a cab too, actually... HEAD-FIRST!

I think cab poaching is highly offensive behavior, and we should all seek out these cab poachers and burn them at the stake and purge their filth from the gene pool.

16th March, 2007

Zebra crossings

I was driving up to a zebra crossing the other day, and noticed a pedestrian standing there, about to cross the road. So I slowed down and stopped before the crossing, but the pedestrian just stood there motionless, like he was too scared to cross the road while a car was just waiting to run him over.

This got me annoyed on two levels:

1) I had to wait and wave for some guy to cross the road, when really he had right of way in the first place and should've just gone for it. After all, it wasn't like I was speeding into the crossing; in fact, I was driving pretty slowly.

2) This behavior was probably indicative of a society of drivers who would just speed past a zebra crossing with reckless abandonment and zero concern for the safety of pedestrians, thus necessitating the extra caution and paranoia when using a zebra crossing.

What the fuck kinda world do we live in where pedestrians have to live in fear of motorists when using a zebra crossing? I mean, even though I slowed my car down, this guy was probably thinking that the moment he put his foot on the road, I was going to jam the gas and run his ass over for a cheap laugh. And you know what? That probably stemmed from a prior incident where some jerk really did try to run him over.

Why can't we all just love and respect each other?

6th February, 2007

Everything you need to know about sex you can learn on the road

If you’re a 40 year old virgin and you’re worried about messing up your first sexual encounter, don’t fret! You don’t have to read self-help books or visit a lot of prostitutes to gain some insight into bedroom etiquette as you probably already know most of the basic concepts and logic already, just from your driving experiences. Check out how you can apply some of the lessons you learnt from driving into your bedroom adventures.

Look at the road map and study your destination before you start the car.

If you honestly don’t know what a girl looks like under her clothes, then it’s probably a good idea to glance at a diagram and know the basic layout before you even consider undressing her. There’s more than one orifice down there; orientate before you procreate.

Put on your turning signal and check for clear conditions before you commit into a lane change.

Before getting it on with your girl, make sure you let her know your intentions and check that she’s okay with it before you start putting those special moves on her. Failure to do so on the road is known as “lane cutting”, but in the bedroom it’s known as “rape”.

Always wear your seatbelt.

Don’t forget to use protection, because you never know when an accident might occur. Herpes and babies and crabs, oh my!

Reverse parking makes things easier later.

Spend a few extra minutes during foreplay to properly arouse your girl and get her in the right mood, and it will save you hours of back-breaking work later.

Keep your engine well oiled, or it will grind to shreds and break down.

Adequate lubrication not only makes sex feel better, but it goes a really long way to prevent chafing and possible damage to both parties. Two words: friction burn.

Don’t try to squeeze your car into a tight fit. Wait for traffic conditions to improve and then try again.

If it looks like it’s just too tight, don’t force it. Wait for her to finish puberty, and then try again later. And possibly go to hell too.

Two words: friction burn

Slow down and stop when you approach the back of another car.

Girls by nature dread getting it in the rear. Rushing the process and bumping their rump unannounced is going to cause a world of hurt for them and will most likely result in a kick in your rump and a trip out the front door.

Obey the “One Way” road signs.

If she insists that a certain place is a one-way street, then you simply just have to obey. Go against traffic, and it’s breaking the law.

Don’t rev your engine too much and run out of petrol at the worst possible time.

Pace yourself and know when you can readjust and take a quick break. If you run out of steam just moments before she reaches her peak, you’re going to roll back down the hill very quickly and be forced to start all over.

29th January , 2007

Better safe than sorry

Here's a handy tip for you guys and girls out there: If you had some rancid curry for lunch and absolutely have to hit up a public toilet for a nasty case of the squirts, hang around for that extra ten seconds after you flush and make sure that there isn't a stubborn piece of crap floating around. Because sometimes, just sometimes, the first flushing doesn't eliminate all traces of your passing, and there'll be some leftovers just floating around in the bowl, mocking your inferior flushing action. And the person who uses it after you will realize just how fucked up your bowels are today.

This embarrassment is compounded even further if the public toilet in question is located at your workplace, and the person who was patiently waiting outside for you to finish your business might just recognize you, and will forever associate your image with their gross discovery afterwards, leading to an endless array of "how's the curry today? Is it spicier going in or coming out?" and "Hope you wiped your ass clean" jokes for the rest of your working life at that place.

Just some friendly advice...

Don't be a victim of
toilet humor:
check to see if you need that second flush.

29th January , 2007

Parking fines and romantic sites

That totally romantic spot near the garbage collection area where Drew proposed to Jo is now also the very same double yellow line spot where Drew got booked for illegally parking his car while picking Jo up. Wow! That little piece of real estate is now so meaningful and full of memories!

Fun times!

25th January , 2007

Veronica Mars is the greatest TV series ever

Well, for the last three years we've not really been following any TV series with any sort of regularity, except maybe CSI... but lately we've all been hopelessly hooked on a TV show that has totally gone under the radar for a lot of people. The show is Veronica Mars, and it has hooked us in a way that we've not been hooked since The Gilmore Girls and Angel (or at least the first couple of seasons).

I'm not sure what it is exactly, but it could be a whole myriad of reasons, like the extremely witty writing, the gripping ongoing plot, the lovable characters, and the sheer charisma of the very likable lead.

An example of the witty writing:

Troy: Flat?

Veronica: Just as God made me.

Kristen Bell is really really good as the lead character, with just the right amount of snarky cuteness, but she is backed up with a great ensemble of characters like Logan (who just so happens to be our Hottie of the Week), Weevil and her dad.

What struck me though is just how under the radar this show is. Nobody has really watched, or even heard of Veronica Mars. We only started watching it because it was on sale at Amazon and Drew read a positive Kevin Smith quote about it.

These days, we usually just watch shows on DVD when we have the time to spare, or if it's on cable. But with Veronica Mars, we're clamoring to catch the next episode. Jojo in particular is so desperately thirsty to devour the entire series and find out what happens in each season that she watches them on 1.5x speed with the subtitles on.

"Jojo in particular is so desperately thirsty to devour the entire series... that she watches them on 1.5x speed with the subtitles on."

Yet the show remains one of the lower rated shows on TV right now. Fans had to fight hard to get a second season made, let alone a third one, and right now numbers are not quite at the level that a fourth season can be confirmed. It's amazing that consistently high quality shows like this struggle while Ed gets four seasons when it clearly dropped in quality after the first season.

Honestly, if you haven't already done so, go and check out Veronica Mars. Go and pick up the first season from Amazon (or better yet, buy it through the link on the Mars Investigations site and the show's creator will donate money with each sale to help animals), and get hip with those crazy kids at Neptune High!

25th January , 2007

Drew and Jo are officially-officially engaged!

Just for the record, our lovely Jo is now officially spoken for. Drew proposed to her last month and like the lovestruck girl she is, she accepted. While it didn't happen during the Universal Studios tour when Jaws pops out of the water, it was still a pretty romantic moment.

Drew gave the ring to her and stammered while they were just a few meters away from a dumpster at Jo's place. Now if that isn't romance, then I don't know what is!

Anyway, we just want to wish them both the best! Check back later for pictures of the dumpster.

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