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Archive (August - September 2006)
Well as you all know, there's a new movie out, based on the best-selling game Dead or Alive. I could go on and on about the differences between the movie and the game in terms of plot and characters, like how Christie is supposed to be an assassin and not a thief, and how she's supposed to kill Helena and stuff, but you know what? I won't. Jojo sums it up all in one simple sentence.
"The movie is not faithful to the game because
I got my driving license about a month ago, and since then I've encountered some of the deadliest scum in the galaxy: local drivers. They change lanes the same way they switch their bootlegged games on their PS2's, with no sense of self-preservation or consideration for your fellow driver, and will swerve around as if they're the only cars on the road. So while I was enduring the infuriation of Singapore traffic, I tried to come up with an appropriate term to label these drivers. One of my colleague swears by "asshole", but I don't think it properly encapsulated the vileness of it all. Anyway, I had an epiphany when a cab cut in front of me one day. On pure instinct, a combination of sounds popped out of my mouth, and the word of the week came to be, and that word is:
ASS-MAGGOTS
I'm kinda... well... stunned. Speechless... Apparently this image has been floating around the internet for a while, but I've only just come across it. Anyway, a picture speaks a thousand words. But I think three will suffice. What... the... fuck?
Luke, I am your kitty!
I saw something really creepy on SomethingAwful.com that I just gotta share with everyone. It's a pillow shaped like a guy's arm, so that girls can snuggle up to it and feel more secure. That's kinda... weird.
"Honey I had a bad day at work today." "There, there, baby. Everything's going to be alright.
Dear God, I don't know why you chose not to give me any social skills,
Paul Twohill
There's a major local newspaper here that I just dread reading. After the depressing news articles about world politics spiralling down out of control, I just want to cheer up a little by flipping through the entertainment section to find Foxtrot and Baby Blues in the comics section. Unfortunately, the comics section is located in the entertainment section, which frequently publishes some of the worst trash I've ever read. And it's not tabloid trash either. That stuff can be pretty enjoyable. It's the movie reviews that really bug me. Now I don't know that much about reviewing movies, or movies in general, but shouldn't a person who is paid to review movies actually like movies? Apparently that's not the case, because this newspaper employs some of the most anti-cinema writers whose works I've ever read. They must really hate their jobs, because all that bitterness and angst comes seething out from their reviews week after week. Why is that? Do you hate celluloid trash? Do you hate watching celebrities frolic, or dislike watching Vin Diesel blow up another car with a broken bottle and a sharpened pencil? If so, then why the fuck are you reviewing movies? If this stuff is too peasant and low-brow for you, then head on over to the literature section and review those Terry Pratchett and Anne McCaffrey books that you so adore. Don't continue publically tearing into movies just because they're not based on books with dragons on the cover, or aren't released by a film distribution company whose public relations manager gives you head everytime you give it more than 3 stars. Take your condescending attitude and review the latest "The Dragon who loved me" book instead. --- While we're ripping into this paper, don't they have some kinda editor or person with a voice of authority to keep the quality of the paper at a reasonable level? Aside from the snobby film reviewers, there's also this guy that writes the most unfunny columns I've ever read. Most bad jokes are bad in a "oh I get it... it's not really funny but I can see where you're coming from" way... but this guy consistently churns out garbage so bad one cannot even tell where the punchline is, or how the mechanics of the joke works. It's just... really bad. The humor might not come across, but unfortunately the amount of effort that gets put into making the article funny really does. This guy tries really fucking hard to be funny, but quite simply doesn't have the slightest idea on how to make another human being laugh. And it's a problem that I think is only suffered by men. You won't find an unfunny woman who thinks she's funny trying to tell some jokes. Unfunny women realize their shortcomings, and just try to charm people with good-natured smiles and friendliness. Guys on the other hand, tend to suffer from humor-denial, and will tell really bland jokes all the time, much to the distaste of their immediate company. It's a fact of life, and one can deal with it by just walking away. But why would someone actually pay such an unfunny person large sums of money to write jokes to be published in a national newspaper? It's a conspiracy to punish their readers, I think. --- You don't have to put up with this shit. Tell them what you like or don't like in your daily newspaper. Write in to them and demand that they take these irritating writers and put them in sections where their talents (or lack thereof) are more appropriate, like writing obituaries and weather forecasts.
The video store where I work at has a large window front and matching glass door. On this glass door is a metal handle for people to open the door with. It's big, it's clean, and it's at the most convenient spot for you to put your hand on. So why is it that so many motherfuckers out there like to plant their fat, grimey palms on the glass instead of using the fucking handle? And why must they choose to do so immediately after they've given some drunk a handjob in the alley, wiped their asses without any toilet paper, or done some other activity that leaves them with gross sticky shit on their hands? I like my glass door. I like keeping it clean. I meticulously wipe that door down with Windex every couple of hours to make it sparkling clean so that some natural light can shine into our "flourescent tubes and stale air" working environment. So you can gather why I really flip out whenever someone leaves their palm prints on the glass, especially if I'm cleaning it at the time! And while I'm ranting about the door... is it too much to ask for these fuckers to close the door after themselves? Is it some conspiracy to overwork the air-conditioning unit?
Although watermelons are always green on the outside, they can be any color they want to be on the inside. But they almost always choose red because deep down inside, they all want to be apples. Don't forget to buy Simon's Book.
For now, my wrist hurts like a motherfucker, and I gotta go put it in ice.
A couple of months ago, I went for my first driving test. My boss at work gave me some handy advice by telling me to go slow. "Don't rush," he said. "Just take it easy and go slow." So I did just that. I drove slowly and cautiously around, always keeping below the speed limit. Then you know what? I failed. The tester said that I was too slow. Who the hell fails by going too slow? Anyway, this week I had my second test, and in preparation I started saturating my senses with racing movies at the video store. Every shift I pulled, I'd put on The Fast & the Furious (the first one, I refuse to watch that atrocious second one), The Italian Job, Initial D, even Top Gun. I watched anything that depicted a hell of a lot of speed. When I wasn't at work, I'd listen to the Tokyo Drift soundtrack endlessly on my MP3 player, and I played a fuckload of Burnout Revenge with Munky. So then I took the test again, this time with the neeeeeed for speed, and burned around like nothing else... but still below the speed limit. And you know what? I passed. Moral of the story: Movies and videogames make you drive better.
I'm sure you've all heard the new Paris Hilton single by now. Anyway, while browsing through Pink is the new Blog, I found this really really gross picture of the one-woman plague when she was singing... something... at some club. If you've recently eaten some food or suffer from any kinda decency, you may want to scroll past this:
"Nurse! I'm going to need some bigger tools!" Okay, that's just about all the Paris I can stomach for the day. Well, maybe the week.
Well, recently we received a new Guestbook entry that was the first one since we got this new Guestbook to be like, well... totally harsh and not polite. Hatemail is nothing new for us, really. The previous Guestbook was littered with them, and we've received a crapload of bad comments for our videos. But this latest one from Genie (25, Singapore) is rather personal and harsh. It attacks Drew's accent, his career and his goals. It also says he has no testicles, which for starters is pretty factually incorrect. We don't really know who Genie is, but we're guessing it's a pretty angry person. What can we say? Hmmm... chill out, dickwad? At any rate, Genie has now inspired me to showcase my favorite Hatemails in a new section, creatively entitled Chris' Favorite Hatemails. So check it out!
Wanna do some ranting of your own? Then head to the Msg Forums and vent, or just sign the Guestbook!
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