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Archive (May 2003) 28th May, 2004 Ever wondered what I do in the army? I mean, everyone knows about the whole blowing shit up while running around in the jungle and jumping in and out of helicopters bit... but there's more to it than just that. I'm not just a regular grunt... I'm a combat medic! I have to keep my fellow soldiers alive so they can kill more motherfuckers! So aside from just walking where I'm told to go and shooting what they point at, I also have to carry a whole bunch of bandages to fix up anybody on my side. And you know what my favorite part of being a medic is? Performing the ol' intravenous infusion on some poor guy. Nothing scares the shit out of soldiers like being told that they require an IV drip. Call me sadistic, but I think I'm just doing my part to keep some guy alive. Besides, I mostly nail the vein quickly and accurately, with minimal pain inflicted on my patient/victim. Mostly. You see, most of the time IV drips are ordered unnecessarily by the MO to punish dickheads who repeatedly report sick to the medical center for fake cases of diarrhoea and migraine, to dissuade them from bothering us and preventing us from tending to the genuinely sick and needy. With these guys, I tend to take my time and try out new unproven techniques that may or may not be effective. I don't mind bringing down my shooting average because it's all in the name of experimentation and progress!
It started out pretty well, actually. Soon after the needle penetrated his skin, blood poured up the needle and into the chamber, indicating that I was successful in shoving the needle directly into his vein. But that's just step one; step two involves pushing a thin sterile plastic tube into the vein so that we can infuse fluids and medication into him through it. Unfortunately, step two gave me a shit load of problems. The tube (or catheter, as it's officially known as) wouldn't go in. Bet you wish you had bigger veins now, don't you Terry?
What seemed like an eternity of pushing and readjusting later, I gave up. Something was most definitely wrong. And when I pulled out the catheter, the problem became pretty obvious.
The I/V needle and catheter unit, The sonofabitch's thin-assed veins had caused the catheter to kink and bend, thus preventing it from enjoying a smooth entry into his vein. It was like trying to stick a 4-pin Firewire cable into a 6-pin Firewire port (note that I totally resisted the urge to use an analogy with sexual penetration imagery)... except 6-pin Firewire ports don't cry out in pain and beg for mercy. Well, after my failed attempt 2 other medics tried, including the medical center's best I/V medic. Both failed. In fact, during the third attempt Terry started crying and begged us to stop. So we did, and we called the doc (who took one look at his puny veins and the tears, then said "Maybe we don't need to I/V him after all...") But this is just a worst-case scenario with a small-veined junkie. Usually with healthy people with normal veins, the I/V procedure is really quite simple and straight-forward... I had like a 10 vein streak at one point (until it was broken by a fat guy with veins that were hidden under several layers of fat). I mean, how hard can it be to poke a vein with a needle, then slide a tube into the vein? So the next time you're at the hospital and someone's getting an I/V drip, put your hand up and ask if you can give it a shot. You never know, you might be natural, and all those years of playing Counter-strike and/or masturbating when you have both eyes focused on a screen must've nurtured a steady hand and some nifty hand-eye coordination! --- A month ago, I was at this banquet with my family and some of my cousins. Aside from a handful of friends and relatives, I had no idea who the hundreds of other strangers were. They were all like in-law in-laws of up to 6 degrees or something. In other words, nobody I really give a damn about. So Frankie and I were put on this table along with our Nice & Decent cousin and some other people that we didn't really know (including some woman who seemed to remember Frankie pretty well and told us embarrassing stories of Frankie as a child). Unfortunately, there was also this weird trio of people that nobody seemed to know. A friendly guy, his brother and the brother's girlfriend. The friendly guy was like trying to start up a conversation with Frankie for the whole night, asking about his studies and life and everything, while the other guy and his girlfriend sorta just sat there and wished that the dinner would end soon so they can go home and fuck each other's brains out (well, at least the dumb ditzy girlfriend was wishing about the fucking; I think the other guy was wishing that the dinner could end so that he could go home and play Counter-strike until his eyes bled).
She responded by holding onto the bitch boyfriend's arm and coldly replying "I'm the girlfriend." Fuck she must've come from some really horrible backward-assed village if inviting somebody into a conversation and asking for their name is considered flirting, or she's just too good for us and granting us the honor of knowing her name is a pleasure that she wasn't in the mood for dishing out that night. Either way, I thought that it was totally discourteous of her and very condescending. Well, if you're so fucking good, then what the hell are you doing spending your nights unfulfilled while your unattractive boyfriend plays online First-Person Shooters all night (or alternatively for their weekly date-nights, spending her night unfulfilled after her unattractive boyfriend clumsily porks her for 30 seconds then goes back to the computer to play advance another two levesl in Diablo). At the dinner table, you might be known as "The girlfriend" but on my website, you will be known as "The Dinner Bitch". And then there's the boyfriend himself. While his brother was enthusiastically friendly (to the point where it was kinda creepy), this guy was silent all night because he's too good to talk to anybody that wasn't an esteemed member of his Counter-strike clan. That's pretty fucked up, but I can deal with that. What I can't deal with was the fact that Hanxiang (aka Nice & Decent Daredevil) kept saying that I look like this guy and that we share so many similar facial features that we could be clones. Especially the cheekbones or something. Which would be complimentary if that guy was Brad Pitt, but he was no Brad Pitt! On an ugly scale of 1 to 10, he would've ranked a very respectable FUCKING UGLY. Not goofy looking, not unfortunate looking... but downright FUCKING UGLY. So I resent that remark... I'm no Brad Pitt either, but I am definitely not Frederick McFugly. *throws hissy fit* I mean, I look really intelligent these days! I'm reading a book! I'm reading a fucking book! And not only that, but I've been spotted on public transport CARRYING said book! And it's a New York Times Bestseller, damnit! And the other day, Jo gave me some sample books she found at work, including Tony Hawk's latest book (Between Boardslides and Burnout)! So not only do I look intelligent, but by carrying a bagful of books from different genres I also look like a man of many different interests! There was nothing about me that said GEEK... well, aside from a fantasy novel but at least it was a novel and not a videogame strategy guide!
There's no fucking resemblence there! --- Oh, check out the Dumbass pics. I've updated it with some pics I took with Nate the last time I saw him before leaving Sydney. 26th May, 2004 For the past month or so, I've been repeatedly bitching to everyone about how ESPN is goodly enough to telecast what seems like every single soccer game in the world, badminton and the world pool tournament... but NOT the fucking Stanley Cup Playoffs! Oh the agony! Oh the pain! Oh the sheer frustration of eagerly flipping on the TV only to see a couple of asians whacking a cock around! Then this morning, imagine my surprise when my dad wakes me up and goes "Hey didn't you say you wanted to watch the hockey?" Lo and behold, where ESPN-Asia has failed me with its bullshit telecasts of obscure asia-centric sports like badminton, table tennis and Ten Pin wife-beating, Starsports has come in and made my day! Though it's kinda weird to be watching another channel while the telecast has ESPN written all over it. But hey, hockey's hockey. At least I get to watch the finals, if nothing else. --- I've decided that I dislike the following search engines: Altavista and Search.com. Why? Because on more reputable and reliable search engines like Google, Yahoo! and even AskJeeves.com if you whack "deadpan" into the search, this site will appear somewhere on the 3rd page. With the other two, this site is nowhere in sight unless you specifically type in "deadpan entertainment". Now that's just unacceptable! On the other hand, I'm still only getting a 1/10 rating on Google's ratings. It used to be 4/10... why? What happened? Why, Google, why do you do this to me? :( Incidentally, this site has reached 7000 hits! Thanks for coming back all the time even though there's no porn on this site. Well, not much anyway (the ugly penis guy comes to mind). Though the Guestbook does seem awfully empty since I had to get a new one... and the Forums are pretty sparse... So either follow those links or just click on the ones at the bottom of this page, okay? --- In an effort to be a more intelligent person, I've not only shaved my armpits, started using a loufe, exfoliating, but now I'm also reading a book! No, not a comic, not a graphic novel and not even a novelization of a movie or a novelization of a movie based on a novel adapted from a comic inspired by a videogame, but a book-book, with no pictures except for a bland front cover! And it's a New York Times bestseller! Watch and marvel as my IQ shoots through the roof! 25th May, 2004 I was out buying lunch with my dad today, and we walked past this dude taking his little sister for a walk or something. The little girl was only about five to seven years old, and yet they're having a little "You're a lesbian!" "No you're gay!" play-fight. What the fuck is this stupid shit doing, teaching his little sister to use terms like that in a puerile derogatory manner? I think it's only fitting that fate bestow some misfortunate on that guy further down the road. Like when they're both grown up and he's married with kids, his sister realizes that she is a lesbian, then runs away with his wife. --- Orlando Bloom (the guy typecast as the bitch that annoys me in movies) is currently dating Kate Bosworth. You might remember her as the bitch that annoyed me in Blue Crush (the one on the left in the link) . Go figure. --- I started using a loufe the other day, and man does that shit sting. But I feel so sparkly and clean! --- I know you guys usually only read this page and nothing else, but I just found an old comic I made for a uni assignment and I've put it up on the Doodle page. You should check it out! It's got Simon swinging his big Braveheart sword around (again) and Wardy in a Pils cap. What more could you want? --- "Where you lead, I will follow! Yes, we've been watching a CRAPLOAD of Gilmore Girls. And you know what? We're totally loving it. 20th May, 2004 Jojo and I watched Troy the other day, and I realized a couple of things from that movie. Firstly, Orlando Bloom has totally been typecast. It seems that in every movie he's in, he's made to play the same character over and over... that is the character of the little bitch that annoys the shit out of me! In Black Hawk Down, he's an annoying little bitch that thinks he can be better looking than Josh Hartnett; in the Lord of the Rings, he's an annoying bitch with hippie hair that goes around calling everybody "brother"; Pirates of the Carribean has him as an annoying bitch that thinks he can outsmart Johnny Depp; and in Troy, he's a clueless little bitch that fucks around with other people's wives. What is it about this guy that drives teenage little girls insane? Why does this guy have more fansites than any other celebrity out there? I mean, you'd think Brad Pitt or Tom Cruise would garner more attention, but I guess the little Mary J. Rottencrotch's of the world are into younger guys. But why Orlando Bloom? Why this second-rate Justin Timberlake look-alike? Another thing I learnt from Troy... people don't fucking learn from historical mistakes. The Trojans found a large wooden horse on a beach. They didn't order one, they weren't expecting one, they have no idea where it came from... but nevertheless one turned up on their beach and so they decided it's a gift from the gods and took it. We all know what happened afterwards... Today, people find unknown emails with strange attachments in their inboxes. They don't know who it's from, they weren't expecting any emails... but nevertheless an email showed up in their inbox so they decide it's a gift from the fucking email gods and they open it. And what a fucking surprise, it's just another one of those viruses that yet another irresponsible internet geek wrote in order to get some attention from his parents and schoolmates. And now that it's been opened, it'll infect that computer and bombard other computers with endless fake emails, annoying the fuck out of good and decent people who know better than to open strange attachments. --- Yesterday, some strange person kept buzzing the doorbell but didn't answer the intercom. So I poked my head out the window, and noticed a brown package (not tied up with string, unfortunately) sitting there. I peered a little closer, then made out the word AMAZON printed on the side of the box! Then like kids on Christmas morning my sister and I bolted down the stairs and retrieved the box, and ripped it open to find the Gilmore Girls Season One boxed set! Okay, I know that I've received many a complaint before about mentioning the Gilmore Girls too much in my site... so I won't. But I'm going to head over to Jojo's place tonight to watch them! Weeee! Oh, and last night Mainey and I could swear that we heard Drakey singing along in tune to JT's Cry me a river! And then Peanut started joining in (albeit out of tune... because Peanut's a new fan), and it was so fucking surreal.
Clockwise from left: 17th May, 2004 You know what I really hate? Percussion shows. You know what I'm talking about... those big-assed shows where a bunch of people run around a stage stomping their boots around or banging shit under the pretence of performance art. Admittedly this sense of timing requires more skill than running around with your arms flapping proclaiming "I am a flower of love!" but nevertheless it's still percussion at the end of the day, and no matter how much skill is involved it's just pretty fucking boring. There's one in Singapore right now called Cooking, with a bunch of chef looking motherfuckers clanging pots and pans and chopping celery together. So basically it's Stomp with food. What I really want to know is what kinda bored bastard pays $55-$125 to see four Korean chefs run around clanging knives and shit? I mean, just watching that 10 second TV commercial bores the shit out of me... I'd really rather not sit there for an hour or more watching people drum with saucepans while tap-dancing. --- I was standing on the bus the other day, and there was this obnoxious fat fuck and his girlfriend standing next to me. He wasn't particularly bothering me or anything at first, and then the bus pulls up next to a skatepark while waiting for a traffic light. So I'm watching the skaters do their thing, and then this poor kid falls over trying to do a Rock to Fakie on the quarterpipe. That's when fat-fuck started laughing and telling his girlfriend "Hey look at that silly looking kid! He just fell over and his legs were like all over the place! Hahahah what a retard! You wouldn't catch me being so stupid!" I felt digusted right there and then. Every part of me just wanted to kick him in the nads and say "Hey back off, asshole! Don't you go talking yourself up to your girlfriend at the expense of some poor skater kid. A rock to fakie might not be the most spectacular or advanced trick known to skaters, but still it's not the easiest thing in the world to do. So until they design skateboards that can handle your collosal weight, why don't you just shut you mouth until it's time to ingest your eleventh upsized value-meal at McDonald's?" But I didn't. Not because I didn't want to or because I was afraid he'd just turn around and eat me or something... but because a little voice popped up in my head saying "No, you shouldn't make hold it against him just because he's fat." No, the voice wasn't my conscience or anything... it belonged to Jo. I'm sure you all know by now that a frequent topic of heated debate between us is the whole Britney/Christina thing. Another such topic is fat people (except I'm not allowed to call them fat people, I have to use euphemisms like "big people with big asses"... so from this point onwards, Obnoxious Fat-Fuck will be referred to by numerous euphemisms).
But I don't think so. I don't care how hungry you get... nobody needs to eat that much. It's not like he had an eating disorder or anything. He was just probably greedy, and too lazy for sports and fitness activities. If he says he ate out of depression... he could've just easily used the money he spent on Quarterpounders and bought himself a Gameboy Advance with a copy of Sonic instead. Is it okay to be that obese? I personally don't think so. You eat more food than is healthy, you take up more space in public transport, you raise health insurance costs for everybody... And to top it off, instead of realizing he has a problem, Free Willy decides that he's big and beautiful, and he'll keep convincing himself of that notion even if he has to insult every thin person there is to make himself look good in front of his girlfriend. Now that's just fucking inconsiderate and irresponsible. --- Speaking about inconsiderate and irresponsible, I went to some place on the weekend, and the DJ was playing the worst fucking music. He thought it'd be really cool to play popular tunes like Evanescence, Eminem and Avril, except with their voices pitch-shifted to Chipmunk levels, overlayed with techno beats. He was wrong... fucking wrong. And it wasn't just for like a song or two for novelty... he did it the whole fucking night. That's criminal! --- Recently I set up my editing rig again, and the first thing I did was get a rough cut of Nate's skate video done. Check out the Production Diary if you're interested.
--- Oh, and Goh wants everyone to check out the desktop Post-Its. It's pretty cool... go check it out! --- And I made a mistake. There is such a word as "ironical". But it's still mainly misused. 6th May, 2004 The Deadpan site is presently experiencing some emotional difficulties, so please bear with us while we resolve these issues. In the meantime, please check out the Archives and everything else this site has to offer.
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