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Archive (November 2003) 21st November, 2003 In case you haven't been reading the News page, Dave and I are releasing ALL of the Deadpan videos (along with some bonus stuff) in a 4 disc DVD Boxed set! Personally, we think that at $22 a pop, this is a really fucking good deal. I mean, check it out... this is what you'll get:
Not only that, but you get a glossy and pretty box to keep your DVD's in! Check out the box art:
Now isn't this a totally pretty graphic for a box? Wow! That's a pretty extensive list of features! If I had $22, I'd so totally wanna purchase this little slice of history in the making! And just for your information, never before has any Deadpan production been made available for the public to own. Before this, the only way to watch one of these videos was to either be in one of my uni classes during assessment time or by coming along to one of the screenings (or coming over to my place and asking nicely). So what are you waiting for? Place an order now by emailing us at deadpan_ent@yahoo.com and own your very own Deadpan Entertainment Collector's edition Super Boxed set! At $22*, it's really an incredible deal. *The following conditions apply:
20th November, 2003 I'm still kinda stressed out by the whole Drakey thing... so I'm going to take my mind off it by bitching. That always releases some tension (well, that and getting head... but that's not an option right now).
Ladies and gentlemen... I believe I just accidentally posted his email address up on my site... whoops. Anyway, writing stoopid shit on your profile is understandable if it's done in jest (like Simon's Friendster profile) but when it's done to somehow project a superior image of yourself to strangers on the internet, that's just really quite sad. I'd like to believe that people like Kyo are a rarity, but unfortunately they're not. A friend of mine once posed as a French girl on a Swinging Singles web service as research for an artwork, and he was bombarded by emails that ranged from nicer ones like "Hey, I'm a nice guy looking for a nice girl" to ones that were more like "I have a giant penis that's going to make you sing!" Why are there so many assholes in the world? Why can't we live in a happier, wonderful world filled with niceness and sunshine? Anyway, another trend I noticed was the kinda testimonials that go "Aww...wanna try your luck in getting this meritorious genteel prince charming here?" and "He's such a nice guy! Snap this guy up while you can, girls!" Where can you find such testimonials? On profiles of single guys. And you know what? They'll always be single. I think that if someone write such a testimonial on your profile, you're immediately cursed and branded as a Nice & Decent guy. Of course, if someone was to write such a nice & decent testimonial for you, chances are you deserved it for being such a shmuck. And yes, I got a similar testimonial too, in the form of "Andrew's such a gentleman.. he's reserved but extremely witty! What are you girls waiting for?!! He's a hottie up for grabs! haha" And with that one testimonial, I'm now officially doomed to remain single for the rest of my existence. I'm not sure where I stand in this situation. It's not simple and black & white as per the assholes discussed above. I mean, I like nice people. They're... nice. By definition that means they're not malicious or vile or discourteous or anything... so therefore it's good to have lots of nice people in the world. The world might be a better place if it was populated entirely by nice people... but, really... nice people are usually pretty boring too. And boring people are... well... boring. I mean, really... if they were interesting and fun people then they would probably be attached to begin with, and their female friends wouldn't feel the need to have to hype them up on dumb internet services like Friendster. Which is another thing that bothers me... like in my case... if I really am such a "hottie up for grabs", then why is that person writing that on Friendster instead of following her own advice? Likewise, if all the "Nice & Decent" people really are that wonderful, then why are their single female friends declaring them as eligible bachelors instead of considering them as eligible bachelors? What? They're good enough for some complete stranger from the internet, but not good enough for you? Where is the logic in that? And don't give the "we're good friends and I don't want to ruin the friendship" excuse... when guys say it it's usually a fear of rejection or they're in the market for someone better looking, and when girls say it, it's probably because they're in the market for someone better. I think it's a rarity when someone says that phrase and genuinely means it. It's pure hypocrisy, really. It's like pimping out dirty ho's and proclaiming them as the fuck of the century when you wouldn't touch them yourself because you know how crudded up they are. It's pretty gross, and I think in many ways it's also somewhat offensive to the Nice & Decent guy in question. It's like attached people complaining to their single friends about their relationship issues and such, and then saying something downright offensive like "You know, I envy you sometimes... being single gives you so much freedom!" That is such a fucking harsh insult. If they really *did* envy the single life, they'd just fucking dump their partner and lead the single life, instead of happily complaining about the "issues" and "problems" of being in a relationship and rubbing it into someone's face when they don't have anybody in their lives and are disallowed the opportunity to have relationship issues. I think I've totally babbled and lost the point again. Anyway, I think the next time you catch yourself writing a testimonial for a friend that's synonymous to "He's such a great catch!", please think twice about it and realize that despite your good intentions, you might be indirectly dissing your friend. Write boring things like "He's a nice guy", or "He's a pretty decent guy" if you want, but it'll still be less damaging to his ego than something that implies "He's good enough to be my *friend*, but not good enough to be my *boyfriend*. But you should hit on him anyway... because your standards might be lower than mine." PS. I found myself referring to the victim as a male in this write-up, but the scenario described above affects both males and females. I just described the victim as male because I think it's a more common occurance than vice versa... simply because males are males and would bang anything that moves, even if they consider it beneath their standards. 19th November, 2003 Okay... I'm currently worried like fuck because I just got the forms and shit for the Wildlife export permit (yet another thing I need to bring Drakey with me to Singapore) and it's got all these requirements I'm not sure I'll be able to meet... like showing proof of ownership. I don't think I have Drakey's receipt lying around anymore, and I'm not sure what else constitutes proof of ownership. Beyond that, there are millions of forms to fill and fax, and I've only got twelve more days... I think I'm in shit creek. Anyway... excuse me while I panic and freak out. 16th November, 2003 Okay, she's not exactly a Friendster Slut because I didn't find her on Friendster, but Beverly Chua definitely needs a special mention anyway. (at this point, I'd just like to bitch and gripe about my left index finger for a while. It seems that every time I go out throwing the football around with friends, I'll come back with a busted up left thumb. Well, this time it's a busted up finger. If my finger was a rapper, it'd be called Puff Daddy. That's how ugly and swollen it is! Well, at least now it's not my thumb... I can at least explain to someone that I sprained it fingerbanging a very energetic chick... and if they asked why I only sprained one finger and not two, I can say she's Japanese and she's not used to anything bigger than a finger) Who's Bev Chua? Well, she's this Singapore chick that a friend of mine has been stalking ever since she got ripped off by Ms. Chua on some sorta Ebay-ish service for makeup and lotions. Not that I promote the act of stalking or anything, but this friend of mine (you know who you are!) happened to have picked a good person to stalk. From what I can gather from her website, her blog and what my mysterious stalker friend tells me, Bev is a Singaporean girl who graduated in a Sydney-based university and now works for Microsoft (I'm perfectly comfortable revealing all this information, cos it's right there on her site). By day, she's a whacky fun-loving girl who seems like any other ditzy chick with too much enthusiasm and attitude (kinda like those dime-a-dozen girls you find on dating shows like MTV Dismissed!). She has a little mouse named Cinnamon, she makes Baked Lemon Butter Fish for dinner, and she maintains several websites for her many interests. However, by night she's strips down for another website... one that showcases her practically naked body. Make sure you check out the one where she's flashing her G-string clad ass... it's really quite trashy! Anyway, the point is... don't do any trades with this person. And don't gyp anybody on makeupalley.com because they might just end up stalking you and looking up every detail about you on the internet. --- Oh by the way, I just realized... Nate's a spoiler YET AGAIN! It's not enough that he spoils the endings of movies for me all the time, now he's gone off and spoilt the ending of Fiona Darwin's Zombie Hockey for EVERYBODY!!! Thanks, Nate!!! --- Me: "What are 5 traits your dream guy can't have?" Jess: "Erm, can I just say... all the traits that Marc has." 13th November, 2003 Wooo! I have a deck of invisible playing cards! The lovely Bridie was kind enough to procure for me such a rare and mystical deck of cards, and I gotta say they're the coolest things in the world. They're like regular playing cards, but they're invisible!!! --- I watched the original A Nightmare on Elm Street movie today, for the first time ever! I have a bad track record when it comes to horror flicks (just ask anyone who's seen The Ring or Ju-On with me) but somehow I keep getting myself to go back and watch more. Yesh, I'm quite retarded in that sense. Anyway, I found it hard to be all too scared of Freddy because everytime he popped out he'd be accompanied by tacky 80's synthesized music. Yes, 80's synth music is pretty scary to begin with, but not in the "I shit my pants with fright" sorta way. But anyway, Freddy got me thinking about something. I'm sure I'm not spoiling the plot for anybody if I say that Freddy Krueger kills people in their dreams... so anyway, part of the story involves the protagonist (Nancy) running around trying to convince her foolish alcoholic mother that there's a killer demon thing stalking and killing teenagers in their dreams. Needless to say, her foolish alcoholic mother refuses to believe her and keeps telling her frustrated daughter to go to bed and get some good sleep... which is great advice to tell someone when there's a killer demon thing stalking and killing teenagers in their dreams! Not even her bubble-butt boyfriend Johnny Depp believed her cries for help. Okay... if this shit should happen to me, then would any of my friends believe me and help me capture and destroy Freddy (or Sadako, or any other killer-demon thing out there)? Or would they all just roll their eyes and tell me that I'm a gullible little wimp who has lost his grip on reality, before abandoning me to the supposedly non-existent killer-demon? Because I remember when I watched The Ring and was convinced that I was going to die horribly after seven days, most of my friends did not believe it and didn't do much to help me. Once I had a really scary experience, and after it I fumbled for my phone to call someone. At the time, I was using a busted up 8210 with a faulty LCD screen so I couldn't call anyone except for the people on my speed dial. As it was the break of dawn at the time, I didn't know who would take kindly to my nervous babbling, and who would just yell at me before hanging up. So I thought long and hard about the people on my speed-dial, and I took the time to rethink who belongs on the speed-dial. I think this is a pretty good way of judging the reliability of your friends. I think a really good friend would stop and listen and help out even when it's something absurd like "a creepy burnt guy in a red/green sweater and hat with knives for fingers is going to kill me in my dreams," especially when you're dead-serious and desperate for help. A not-so good friend on the other hand might just brush you off and ask you to go back to bed and sleep it off. Hopefully he or she will at least be kind enough to turn up at your funeral the following week. After that experience, I rearranged the people on my speed-dial, and I periodically rethink my speed-dial settings these days. Because if I'm ever running away from a creepy long-haired girl in a white dress, the last thing I wanna do is to ring someone for help only to get "stop watching movies, you dumbass!" as a reply. --- Rodney Mullen and Eric Koston, along with a whole lot of other skaters, are going to be in Australia next February... WHEN I WON'T BE HERE!!! Now not only will I be missing Evanescence and Aphex Twin, I'll also miss out on the most fucking amazing skaters in the world! --- Oh, and Nate has overthrown my high score in Zombie Hockey with an amazing score of 70! Congratulations to Nate, who is the first person I know to have unlocked the hidden secret ending! 9th November, 2003 Last Friday marks the last lesson in uni I'll ever have as a Fine Arts student. Now, I'm completely done, it's over... I'm outta here! As you can tell, I am so glad. Last Friday was also the day Simon finally finished his great big novel - The Republic. So the two of us hooked up with Wardy & Rach and we had some celebratory drinks under the Harbor Bridge while rev-heads drove by in their countless Skylines and Civics. I'll never understand rev-heads. I mean, people who stand around a car while revving it's engine repeatedly and eating McDonald's and irresponsibly disposing of the empty wrappers on someone else's lawn are just plain pathetic, don't you think? ---
Anyway, now for more gratuitous pimping... F's Big Evil Site is back online! And it's now armed with more good stuff than ever before! So head on over and check it out. And if you're on Friendster, show your love by adding yourself to the list of Big Evil People.
--- I've just found out that a couple of people have actually signed up for Friendster JUST so they can check out the Friendster Sluts listed on my site. Hmm, I'm not sure if that's the kinda exposure Friendster is looking for, but hey I helped them gain a few more members. It's Christina Aguilera Day today on MTV, and I'd just like to take a moment to remind everybody who has ever been dissed on this site something: "You are beautiful, no matter what I say. Words can't bring you down. Cos you are beautiful, in every single way. My words can't bring you down. So don't let me bring you down today." This applies to everyone who's ever been mentioned on this site, including the Friendster Sluts and Stacie Orrico... but excluding Nicole Kidman and Ja Rule. Because well, those two will always be UGLY people... in every single way. --- I'm going back to Singapore in December. All you Singaporeans out there can either rejoice or groan, I guess. But an interesting story was just brought to my attention just then. A police officer was just arrested in Singapore for having a 16 year old girl perform oral sex on him. 16 is above the legal age of consent apparently, so what's the problem? Well, it's the oral sex itself. Oral sex is illegal in Singapore, with a maximum sentence of life imprisonment! Now isn't that just a little bit too fucking harsh? I mean, what the hell's wrong with a guy getting some head? Had he been the one going down on the girl, would she have been arrested? That aside, apparently there's also a little fine print involved... Oral sex is NOT illegal if performed as an act of foreplay. What the hell exactly constitutes an act of foreplay? So if some cops bust your door down, are you still protected by the law if you haven't blown your load yet? Can you wave your arms around and say "Hey dudes, it's cool. I'm not spent yet, and I swear I'm going to pull this thing out of her mouth and put it between her legs once you guys get the hell outta here. I'd do it now, but I can't perform with such a large audience."? I dunno... I guess if he got caught ass-fucking her (which is also considered carnal intercourse against the order of nature) he could at least claim that he missed and plugged the wrong hole. Anyway, I just found out that the cop got 2 years and lost his job because of this incident. The girl on the other hand, got 10 years and 5 lashes of the cane for chewing gum after the act. She's trying to appeal the sentence, on the grounds that she was "just trying to get rid of the after-taste." 6th November, 2003 So I went to the police station so the detective could take my statement today, and I ended up yapping with the guy while doing the paperwork. We were just discussing Robert Rodriguez movies, different stances for firing automatic pistols (he was particularly fond of Denzel's one straight, one on the side double pistol style in Training Day) and which kinda holster looks the coolest (we agree on the shoulder holster with black nylon straps... which he used to use until the other cops in the station made fun of him). Anyway, one thing I found particularly amusing was the fact that I had to state, and I quote: "I did not give permission to have my belongings stolen nor allow myself to be assaulted." Now is it just me, or isn't that just plainly obvious? But, like my official statement, it's just a formality. Nobody really expects that the assholes would be caught anyway... and I had the sketchiest of sketchy descriptions of the assailants: "Erm... One of them was wearing a cap. Of course, it's been two months so he might not be wearing one anymore..." But with any luck, all four of them will meet with grisly deaths Final Destination-style! 5th November, 2003 [Happy b'day, J] Well, with Zombie Hockey completed, my uni workload has just lightened up by a great deal. Now all that's left is a bullshit gen ed and then a video installation assessment this Friday. After that, I can just spend my time getting ready to move back to Singapore. Yep, that's right. Sometime in the first week or December or so I'm going to be moving back to Singapore to serve out the last 6 months that I owe the military. Damn I'm going to have to get fit again. Oh, just in case you didn't realize... I made it so that you can now get an extra life should you hit 40 points in Zombie Hockey. Hopefully that'll make things easier somehow. --- Simon signed up for Friendster today so that we could go through and view the Friendster Sluts. Although he'd read about Friendster before in my previous anti-Friendster updates, he'd never actually gone in and looked at Friendster before... so when he had a look at some of the wank that appears in that service, we had quite a laugh. A few changes have happened since the last time I was on Friendster. One person (in order to respect her privacy, let's call her "K") has requested that I remove her from the list, and although I complied (like the civil-minded person that I am) I gotta say, she really still deserves to be on the list. Simon concurs with this, and we agree that she's just an angsty little girl who wants to pretend she's a crazy lesbian, because being a crazy lesbian makes you hip and funky. You know, like how The Juggernaut likes to pretend that he's a big crazy mutant who can crush people like insects? At any rate, she still seems to be getting testimonials that only seem to testify that her profile images are "sexy" and that she's "very hot". How proud she must be :] Kyo, another person who is still on the list, may or may not have read my little mini-write up about him... but either way he has now removed "dating intellectual girls" from his list of interests. Awww... What's the matter? Intellectual girls not interesting enough for you anymore? He still however, maintains that he can "either make your day, or break it completely", depending on his mood. I mean, wow! This guy sounds so interesting. I really want to meet him and have lots of deep conversations about Anthony Robbins with him and then proceed to suck him off in the hopes that swallowing his splooge will help me absorb some of his interestingness and superior intellect. --- A detective rang me this morning to ask me to go into the station tomorrow to make an official statement. Great... that'll be fun.
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