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Archive (February 2003) 24th February, 2003 I've got an idea for a new computer game. It's called High School Player, the sequel to New Atlantis High. You're a student in a high school, and the aim of the game is to increase your popularity in the school by trading in the school's stock market. Well, sort of... instead of buying and selling stocks, the commodity in question is the student body... more importantly, the singles scene. Because instead of "buy buy buy" when a stock is rising in value, it's "date date date" when a girl is getting more popular. Instead of "sell sell sell" when a stock has peaked in its value and begun a steep decline... it's "dump dump dump" when a guy's become a geek and geek chic has gone out of style.
The different stocks are represented by different members of the student body, and each of them come with their own different risks. For example... Jimmy is a rich and good looking guy who suffers from dissociative personality disorder. Usually he's really cool and throws the best parties, but occasionally he lapses into violent mood swings and everyone starts hating him a lot. Charisma is a really hot girl who's on the school cheerleading team. She's smart, sexy, and everybody loves her, so her popularity rating is quite stable. But Charisma's also a skater, and not a very good one despite her enthusiasm for it. It's a good idea to date her now... but with the prom looming so close, do you really want to bring a date that has to coordinate her prom-dress with a pair of crutches?
Just like with the stockmarket, there's insider trading and shit going on. Like: "Woah, you'd better ditch Johnny Football Hero fast... because my uncle plays golf with Coach Klein, and he's heard that the coach is going to start second-stringer Marc at QB instead this year." or "You know that girl with the ugly nose? Well, I have this net-friend and her dad's a plastic surgeon and she's been seeing him about getting a nose-job. I think once you fix her nose she's going to be really fucking hot. Better get to her now before everyone starts lining up!" So to stay ahead of your game, you have to maintain friendships with the right contacts and figure out which rumors are reliable and which aren't. And based on these rumors, calculate the risks of dating the different people, and then actively seek out and pursue the ones that are most suited for your desire to become the most popular person in school. Obviously the more desired girls will be harder to get to know since they're the cream of the crop, and others will be already taken. But never fear! A sophisticated AI will allow for intelligent boyfriend/girlfriend trading with other players in the school. Obviously Josh is not going to trade his head-cheerleader girlfriend for your chess-club girlfriend. But you might sweeten the deal by including Corrine's phone number too, especially since she recently got her photo published in a local teen magazine. Of course, certain stocks will never be of any value... represented by the likes of Wayne Chang, the original Nice and Decent guy. Ugly, boring, and fucking ugly; with traits like these, certain people will never be worth anything. So that's my proposed computer game. I think it'd sell big time. I should pitch my idea to Maxis or Infogrames. I could be the next Sid Meier or Will Wright! --- And if I'm not wrong, people carry this sick, calculating mentality out of high school too. Look at Nicole Kidman, who rode Tom Cruise's popularity train and used its momentum to power her into Hollywood's A list. What a vile, vile woman... 23rd February, 2003 Okay, we've hit a teeny meeny minor setback to the release of the Tragic video... no big deal, really... it's just that we're going to add some letterboxing to it. Nothing too dramatic. Check it out in the News page. --- Last Saturday night was the Jam X finals... which you should all have gone to. Those of you currently not in Singapore or are stuck at the zoo are excused... but the rest of you really have no excuse. I give you my Tsk of Contempt! Tsk tsk tsk! Anyway, check out some pics of Remember Sammy Jankis:
All in all it was a pretty good night. Unfortunately, Remember Sammy Jankis didn't step away with any of the top 3 prizes (though they did receive a cheap plastic "Thank you for coming and helping us pimp microphones" consolation award). And who won? Why, the band I least wanted to win, of course! Why did I hate them so? Here's why:
I can't say I was surprised when they won first prize. Apparently there were a lot of other more deserving bands (I wouldn't know since I got there late) but these fucks won anyway. --- Anyway, something else happened that night. I met someone stoopid. Like, really stoopid. Now I've heard stories of really dumb models and shit (I religiously watch Sex & the City, after all... and there have been many episodes featuring the legendary lack of intelligence of 20-something models), but I've never actually met one. Moving along, I was there with the guys waiting for the announcement of the winners while some Christian Rock band was playing songs about "the fire that burns within all of us... that is, Jesus Christ."... and I noticed that Cheok was reading up on his medical stuff again. And it just so happened that he was studying female anatomy again (either it's his favorite topic, or he just has so much trouble with it that he has to spend more time studying this stuff than any other topic). So I borrowed his notes and turned to the two girls next to me (two finalists of last year's New Face competition... the one was brought to you by the Nokia 7650 and the other was brought to you by M1's WAP Movie Info service. [yes, I am politely avoiding the usage of their names]) pointed at a diagram of a set of ovaries and asked: "Excuse me, but do you have one of these?" I'm not sure why I did it. I think I was bored or something. More importantly, I'm not sure how I expected them to react. Hot chicks usually have a tendency to give me a cold stare and then just look away as if I don't exist, so that was a possibility. Maybe an embarrassed giggle and then turning away. I think I most expected an outburst of rage and a slap to the face. But the reaction I got was totally unexpected. While I was doing my best to maintain a straight face and Cheok was bursting out in laughter, Ms Nokie 7650 looked at the diagram of the ovaries blankly as if she's never seen something like that before. It was as if she was straining to read the captions under the poor lighting. The look on her face was blank. No embarrassment; no laughter; no anger. She had no idea what it was. I guess ovaries aren't as widely recognized as penises and breasts... but still, it's not as obscure as your pituitary-hypo-pythagorus gland. Don't they teach this stuff in schools anymore? Anyway... Ms Nokia 7650, if you're reading this, you should follow this link and learn something new about your body. And when you're done, you can share the wisdom by MMS-ing it to all your friends! --- "So, what do you play in the band?" - Charmaine "Oh, I'm the singer." - Cheok "Okay. Erm, so what do you play?" - Charmaine 21st February, 2003 Well, with any luck what I'm currently sending over ICQ to Cedric will be the Final version of the Tragic Vendetta video. Yes, hepcats... I am done with the music video... it's finished, and I can now move onto my new project... coming up with a series of ads for Frankie's Big Evil Shirts. Speaking of which, have you gone there yet? You should, because one of the first few shirts printed by Frankie is this shirt here:
Well you can always head over to the Big Evil Site and check out the range they got, which may or may not include my limited edition Deadpan shirt. Either way, you oughta head over to the site anyway... C'mon, I'm pimping it as hard as I can... won't you at least take a look? Please? --- And in other news, I just got contact lenses... And I gotta say... if I thought putting them on was gross... taking them off has gotta be the grossest thing ever!
This is way-past gross... Once when I was like, 10 years old, I got curious about what the human eye feels like so I held my eye open and poked at it with my finger... it felt so gross and icky and made my eye feel so dry that I thought I'd blinded myself and made the surface of my eye crack or something. Ever since I got really squeamish about the idea of touching my eyes again. Fast-forward 13 years later and I'm sitting in a chair and an optometrist is sticking a rubbery thing into my eye. All in all, I gotta say the experience felt a lot like this. But you know what? I think I could get used to it. After all, the feeling of walking around without some metallic thing sliding down your nose is really great, and is well worth the discomfort of planting something on your eye in the mornings and plucking it out before you go to bed. Sure it's gross, but the benefits are well worth it... and eventually you get used to it (hopefully). Maybe that's how gay dudes feel about losing their virginity. --- Don't forget about the Jam X gig tomorrow night! 20th February, 2003 Apparently I have dry eyes. I saw the optometrist yesterday and she told me that I have dry eyes. That probably stems from the fact that I've been staring at a fucking computer screen editing video since Monday! Yep, in the last four days I've devoted about 40 hrs into editing. Argh! Yep, after the hassles of preproduction and the excitement of production, comes the most unglamorous part of this stuff... the post-production! No more actors and actresses putting on makeup and funky costumes, no more running around to Spooky Houses to shoot spooky scenes... no director sitting on a skateboard yelling: "Cut!"... just some dork sitting in front of a computer clicking away at a mouse, with the resultant dry eyes and bad skin. Hell, I don't even have time to update the site much. But I do check up on it every so often... and it's waaaaay encouraging to see a new positive entry in the Guestbook. So I guess this is me thanking those of you who have signed the Guestbook. I don't know who you are because most of you have elected to sign off with weird anonymous names that sometimes consist of nothing but a single punctuation point (by the way, Meza Virs is a Black Metal band therefore they would be using 5 string bass guitars), but thanks anyway cos it's uplifting to read something nice :] (BTW, how did I know that some asshole was bound to vote for that last option in the new poll. Die bitch, die!) 17th February, 2003 Post-production of the Tragic Vendetta video began today! In fact, I've just spend the last 9 hours straight editing the video. My eyes do kinda hurt a little, but I feel very productive indeed. Check up some trivia about the video on the News page. --- It's official: English/Lit teachers are the most desired teachers in high school! Almost all the votes went to them... wow. Speaking about polls, I've noticed that people seem to like to vote on the last option I usually put into my polls, which is usually the self-depreciative option, such as "Pan, you're just a misogynist" or "No, I'm not dating you, Pan". Whilst I like to insert such options because I think they're kinda amusing (but usually irrelevant)... I think it's pretty fucked up that people would actually go ahead and vote on those options. What are you trying to do? The joke's been done already. Let it go. I mean come on! It's a fucking poll! Here you have the opportunity to speak your opinion, and instead you're choosing the option that offers about as much insight as: "Pan, you suck; and I'm a funny-assed dickhead for saying that. Uh huh huh huh! Now where did I put my Coldplay CD?" To word this simply: I put the polls up because I'm kinda interested on the opinions of my readers (for the complete retards out there, that means you) By voting on the bullshit obligatory anti-Pan option, you forfeit your own opinion, and you disrupt the whole ideal of the polling process, which is to gather the opinions of a community so we can better understand each other and find out how we feel about certain issues... not to make an ass of yourself by acting like a pathetic high school bully who's only source of humor stems from berating others. So for the moment I'm going to remove those self-defamatory options, starting with this week's poll. Hopefully we can all play friendly and start sharing our opinions, so that we can learn more about ourselves and each other... and then the world will instantly become a better place. For you, and for me, and the entire human race. ---
Just a reminder that the Meza Virs gig is coming up in a couple of weeks. Check their website for details and ticket sales. And Remember Sammy Jankis is playing at the Jam X finals this Saturday at the Heeren. It's Valentine's Day, folks! And if you're reading this today, then chances are you're probably not going to get any tonight. Because if you've got someone that's even remotely willing to put out, tonight would be the night. But hey, if you're not one of the many people who are going to get lucky tonight, don't freak out as you're just one of many more people who are going to spend Valentine's Day by themselves, like myself for example. Actually I'll probably spend it with Dave, Pete and Victoria... and with that in mind I really would rather not have sex tonight. There's hope though! Even if you've saved up hundreds of dollars for chocolates, flowers and an expensive candlelit dinner and had your potential date say: "Oh I'm sorry, I'd rather fuck this boring, nice and decent dude instead because he conveniently lives upstairs from me." you can still spend a portion of that saved up cash to... how should I put this... get by. Yes, folks, there are plenty of toys out there that can simulate the pleasures of having sex with a person of your sexual preference. And if you have the added bonus of being a virgin, you can close your eyes and you wouldn't even know the difference! Anyhow, I thought I'd just check out what kinda sex-toys there are out there, so I went and had a peek into Simon's closet, and this is what I found. Since a recent poll indicated that there are more guys than girls visiting this site, I figure I'll put the guy's toys up first:
Toy #1: Futuristic Piece of Ass At US$35 this toy is pretty much a bargain. I mean, it's a piece of ass in a box! (no pun intended) How cool is that? And not only that, it's futuristic! Imagine if your friend asked you: "Hey Kerbel, what'cha gonna do for Valentine's Day?"... Now imagine yourself grinning and telling him truthfully: "Jeremy, I'm going to get me a piece of ass!" I mean, the novelty value of that is worth the US$35 already!
Toy #2: Hitomi Hayasaka Love Pillow For those of you out there who dig the rice, here's a slightly more expensive companion for Valentine's Day. For US$50 you can get yourself a love pillow that's a full sized recreation of Japanese porn star Hitomi Hayasaka. Also included is a latex unit similar to the "Lovely Hole" that you can insert into the pillow (comes with lotion). With this baby not only will you have someone to fuck all night long, but afterwards you can actually curl up in bed and sleep beside her! That extra serving of romance and intimacy is definitely worth the few extra clams.
Toy #3: Silicone Love Doll Clocking in at an amazing US$5890, this is definitely the Ferrari of the sex toys. With a body modelled after Miss Nude World Vanna Lace, with realistic silicone-rubber flesh (with stress areas reinforced by kevlar), stainless steel bones and joints and three working uber-realistic entries... this is definitely the next best thing to having a real woman (well, if you discount she-males). This girl is truly "one size fits all". Omigod that's gross... Anyway, just like with a car, you can customize this baby because she comes with 3 interchangable heads! Wow! Variety is your friend!
Toy #4: Japanese Clitoris Cap And here we have the first toy for chicks, but honestly speaking, I have no fucking idea what this is. But according to the description, you can attach this to your clit and it stays in place through suction. I'm not sure what that does... maybe you put it on and then start flicking it... but I'd imagine that this would hurt like a motherfucker. Maybe it's like a mouthguard, except it protects your clit from heavy impacts. Or maybe it's like some sorta beacon for you to use in case your boyfriend is a complete fucking moron or is virtually blind... I dunno... but it's cute for something that's only US$16.
Toy #5: Rabbit Rotor Now this is the cutest fucking thing I've ever seen. If you sold this thing in regular toy stores, my little sister and her friends would probably buy this thing by the truckloads, thinking it's the cutest electronic toy ever. You could make a series of Manga comics and stickers featuring this thing and schoolgirls would buy them for the cute-factor... never realizing that this electronic toy is something designed to be inserted into your vagina. That said, I must admit that it's a very good-looking vibrator, and apparently quite functional too as the ears and little feet do wonders when buzzing inside you. An amazing retail price of US$11.50. I don't fucking believe it. Cute, cheap, and functional... if I have a date for Valentine's Day next year, I know exactly what I'll be buying her.
Toy #6: Hello Kitty Vibrating Massager I saved the best for last. I still don't believe it... but apparently they exist. And quite frankly... I'm at a total loss for words. I mean... yeah the cute rabbit rotor was something, but that was a no-name miscellaneous cute thing... this is Hello Kitty, for fuck's sake! And you know what? It's actually licensed by the company that owns Hello Kitty. This is no imitation knock-off... this is the real, licensed deal! I still don't believe it... --- Anyway, single folks, I hope this was of use to you. I myself am going to spend my money drinking myself silly and bitching about couples and shit to other lonely single people. Oh, and I'll also bitch about the evil Sony people and their over-pricing ways... 13th February, 2003 Just a quick update to announce my utter loathing for Sony. I mean, honestly... charging $880 to repair a LCD display is a little bit steep, ain't it? I'm gonna call up and tell those assholes to fuck themselves. I can survive with a shitty camera that has no LCD display... and next time, I'm getting a Panasonic. Looked at the Panasonic DV852 (or MX8 as it's known to us PAL users)... I'm drooling big time. --- A few weeks ago, if you would've done a search in Google or Yahoo! for "deadpan entertainment" you would've been treated to a various assortment of shit. Can I just stress the shit in the previous sentence? You would find shit. So imagine my surprise today when I punched in "deadpan entertainment" and found my site listed at the top of the page!!! Yep, I'm so totally stoked now. And yep, I'm very easily amused. Wey-hey! As of yesterday, production of the Tragic Vendetta video has officially concluded! Meaning all I have to do now is to sift through about 1 1/2 hours of raw footage and somehow edit all that into one ass-kicking 5 min music video. Yeah... Sounds like a lotta fun, doesn't it? Anyhow, for more information and pics, visit the News page! But wait, you wanna know if anything weird or otherwise out of the ordinary occurred at the Spooky House, don't you? Well... as the afternoon got darker and shit... rain clouds appeared out of nowhere and lightning and thunder started exploding everywhere... as if we were being chased out of the house. We got out of the place unmolested... but somehow there was still the feeling that something didn't want us there. And it was only when we went through the footage that we realized what it was: The Hungry Ghost Dog. Click here to check it out. (warning: not for the faint-hearted!) That's it... I'm definitely not going back there again!!! --- Okay, according to the results of last week's poll, I've got about 18 males reading this site (or like I'd like to think and remain in denial, 18 males who vote on the poll)... of those, 14 watch porn, and 3 are horny enough as it is. Yes, if you do your math then you'll realize that it leaves one male out there who is completely sexless. You know who you are. I've also got about 9 girls who have visited the site... of those, 4 watch porn and 5 don't watch porn or touch themselves. I sincerely hope that this means that they're getting so much sex that they don't need to masturbate... otherwise... well, it means I'm probably offending someone so I'll just stop right here. Why don't you check out Frankie's Dumbass pics of the week instead? Now with more dumbasses and a cameo by Frankie himself! 10th February, 2003 There's actually an interesting story about the big spooky house that we're currently shooting the Tragic Vendetta video at. I mean, when I first went there I was told that it was just a big abandoned mansion that looks really spooky, and people go there to get stoned, get drunk, or get laid (not in any particular order). It was only after I first went there that I was told by Richie that this wasn't just any house... this is the infamous Hillview Mansion! The Hillview Mansion is a mystery so mysterious that nobody seems to know that much about it. I went looking on the net for more information regarding the house, but all I found were rumors and speculations. Nobody knew shit about it. I mean, this is a house that has no known history nor has it been listed in any street directory since 1984... why? WHY??? Well, whatever it is... it's spooky. There are so many rumors about that place:
And there's one more theory about the haunted house, which I personally believe to be the one true story. Cedric told me the story of an Indonesian businessman who had a mistress, and came back from a business trip once to find his mistress and wife in bed together. Enraged (for he was a staunch homophobe and hated lesbians... his mother left his father for another woman and he blamed her for letting him grow up in a broken home) he killed both women, buried and then hung himself. Tragic? Yes, but there's more. You see, the Indonesian businessman had a dog; a very loyal dog. With the entire household dead, there was nobody left to feed the dog. Even so, the dog loyally stayed by his master's side and survived by eating the bodies of the wife and the mistress. But even after he had eaten all he could of their bodies, he still stayed with his master (who was still hanging from the roof), barking at the master to try to wake him from his slumber. Eventually starvation drove the poor dog insane and he eventually ate himself to death. And now they say that if you walk through the house around at night, you can hear the whimpers and howls of the Hungry Ghost Dog. And there are stories of people going missing when they visit the house, with police finding skeletons a few weeks later with their flesh gnawed away. Eeeek... gruesome. And why, you ask, am I so certain that this story was true? Because a few days ago I was going through the footage we had shot at the house, and I saw what I thought was a glitch in the tape. I slowed it down, and scanned it frame by frame, and then I nearly shitted my pants when I saw this image (warning: not for the faint-hearted!). I'm so fucking reluctant to go back to that place now... but the video has to be completed. Though next time, I'm bringing some Holy Water and a crucifix... and maybe some dog food! --- Oh, and I've now finally divided the Archive up into smaller sections by date... so it doesn't try to load months of bitching and whining into the one page. Because I care about our Dial-up users! 9th February, 2003
"Oh, I'm very unhappy!" Production of the Tragic Vendetta video is now about half completed! I know you wanna see the pics, so head over to the News page for all the details! No really, you should. Cos that's the only thing that's updated today. (Oh, and Goh pointed out that in the update below I used the word "bomb" twice in totally different contexts. This was a coincidence, and "bomb" is not my new favorite word. My favorite word is still prevarication.) 7th February, 2003
Yo yo yo! Shooting of the Tragic Vendetta video officially began today. Check out the News page for more engrossing details! Unfortunately disaster struck today as well. Whilst walking away from a long day of shooting, I decided that walking down that big long evil hill leads up to the house was a bitch, so I decided to load up on my skateboard and butt-board down the hill. But this stretch was bigger and steeper than the other slopes I've bombed before, and I ended up bailing hard! I survived, but unfortunately my camera was not so lucky. The LCD screen was damaged in the tumble, and now half the screen is covered with white shit... so it kinda sucks. Check it out here. I'm a little bit pissed about it, but really it's just my fault. Tomorrow I've got no choice but to head out and dump the camera off at Sony to get it repaired. Which is undoubtedly going to cost a bomb :( This could put a dent on the Nice and Decent Video's progress... hopefully Sony will fix it within a week. Hopefully. 5th February, 2003 Evidently the good people of Perth have finally discovered the wonders of the Internet because recently I received yet another abusive entry in the Guestbook, this time from someone in Perth who thinks that I have too much spare time on my hands and I'm too offensive, and generally just thinks quite lowly of me. As you know, the thing about Deadpan Entertainment is that I care about what you, our fans and critics, think; your opinion is really important to me and when someone tells me that I'm too offensive, it really hurts me deep down inside... but I'll just take it as a wake-up call to be a better person. In order to do so, I started doing a little research on what internet homepages are supposed to look like by browsing through a vast assortment of homepages like CameronJones Online and Jane's Homepage. To my surprise, it appeared that most homepages don't contain much in the way of bitchery at all (of course this statement excludes homepages belonging to skaters)... shocking! So anyway, today's update should hopefully reflect the new and improved, bitchless Deadpan Entertainment. ---
"I'll use my Candles of Eternal Flame +3! LOL! The Bangles are my favorite band of all time!" Hello! My name is Andrew Pan, and my current A/S/L is 23/M/Singapore. I have a wonderful family, consisting of two parents and two siblings, a younger brother and a younger sister. I am currently in my final year of university, and I love my uni lecturers, because they're so intelligent and helpful, and oh so very humble. I love studying in my uni because it's such a wonderful environment where I stand to learn so much and not only become more intelligent but also grow as a person. It's also a great place, IMHO, to meet people to play table top Dungeons & Dragons with. My favorite bands are Coldplay and The Bangles, but when I feel more hardcore I like to listen to Creed and P.O.D. BTW, I forgot to mention how much I love my dog Snowy. Isn't he so cute and fluffy? ^__^ Here is Snowy on my skateboard:
Speaking of which, I recently started skating, and though I'm not very good at it yet I'm confident that my skills will improve, thanks to the skating community which is filled with lots of helpful and encouraging fellow d00ds who hold no sort of resentments against newbies like myself whatsoever, especially when I ask them to play Dungeons & Dragons with me. Here is a picture of me performing a BS Tailslide across a ledge:
I have many other hobbies, including:
If you have the same interests as me, please do send me a note for I would love to share my tabletop adventuring stories with you. Perhaps we could even meet up and play a game of Dungeons & Dragons. My new character is a Chaotic-Good level 7 female elf Ranger, and if that's not enough incentive for you, she's got a natural charisma score of 18 and she recently acquired a Cloak of the Nymph +3! ;-) --- Okay, it's 5:30 in the morning, and I'm suffering from insomnia. I had coffee for the first time in months after dinner and the caffeine is preventing me from getting a proper night's sleep, so I'm a little bit delirious now. But I would just like to point out that in this entire update I did not use the F-word once. Amazing. Oh, and we're no longer associated with the Commie-Punk Revolution anymore. Avril sucks.
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Cos
that's just what it's like, right? What's the principle behind the stock
market? Buy a stock when it's price is down, and sell it when it's price
is up there. The same goes for dating in this game. To find a significant
other that's got the potential to become really popular, but currently
isn't so popular that you can't get to him/her, and start dating him/her.
Hopefully then afterwards their popularity will start going up for some
reason or the other... like perhaps words get around that she's been nicknamed
after a famous fastfood franchise because her buns resemble the
tight and compact buns sold at said fastfood franchise. Of course, just
before you suspect that his/her popularity is about to hit a decline into
the low-zone you'd have to trade them off, because dumping a popular girl
makes you bold, and dumping an unpopular girl makes you cold.
Here
I am wearing the only existing Deadpan Entertainment shirt (for
the moment... there should be more soon... but the fucker takes 40 mins
to print because you gotta make three prints per shirt, apparently)...
pretty funky, ain't it? I know what you're thinking. You're thinking:
"Dude, that's like totally the sickest shirt I've ever seen...
where can I get one?"
