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Archive (January 2003) 30th January, 2003
Attention everyone. Attention please! I would just like to announce that from this update onwards, Deadpan Entertainment will now be the Voice of the Revolution! Yes, as of now we will no longer be associated with any form of entertainment, democracy, free speech, or any other shit that the Capitalist dog America wants to enforce on the world. No longer will we bow before the might of MTV and Hollywood, for I have seen the light, and that light shines brightly from the Revolution! Starting from this update, Deadpan Entertainment now subscribes to the wisdom of the Commie-Punk Revolution! Hasta La Victoria Siempre!!! I'm not sure what that means, but it sounds pretty fucking hardcore. And that's what we're all about now: Hardcore revolutionary action in the name of the Commie-Punk Revolution! And as the voice of the revolution, we will do our best to turn more sheep away from America's influence and herd them into the loving arms of Mother Avril, Matron of the Commie-Punks!
Why the sudden change of political agendas? Well, I gotta say that Il Egal (ill3gal in the guestbook) convinced me with his Revolutionary Manifesto, especially when I went to the site listed as his homepage in the Guestbook entry. When I saw how he spelt Osama as Usama, I realized at once that this is a person who knows what he's talking about; this is the fountain of wisdom I have sought after my whole life in order to put some kinda meaning to my sad and pathetic existence. I will no longer be a mere voice of bitchery... I will be the Mouthpiece for the Revolution! (I just love saying that... it makes me feel so fucking important and self-righteous everytime I type the words "Manifesto" and "Revolution" Oh I'm getting off on it.) So now I will relate to you the wonders of the Commie-Punk philosophy... I might not understand it or anything, but goddamnit I will spread the word because doing this political shit makes me feel important, intelligent, and ultimately I won't feel like a loser because I'm a part of something special now! I'm a uni student, so therefore I must do something cool and political. Sure I'll probably ditch this shit the very second I graduate, and either totally forget about "the cause" or look back onto it with shame and embarrassment in the future (kinda like the related Lesbian until Graduation movement that my ex-girlfriend was a part of), but right now I will blindly follow this regime because I want to make a political statement. And if I've got nothing to say I'll just yell out what everyone else is yelling, because making political statements gives my life purpose and makes me feel like I'm making a difference in this bullshit capitalist world of Nike, MTV and Starbucks. Anyway, enough talk about me, because self-indulgence is the American way... I will now instead perform my duty and spread the word of Mother Avril. The Commie-Punk Manifesto (for dummies edition):
There's more to it, but I'm too junior a member of the Revolution to know it all. But I'm confident in its policies, because if other people believe in it, it must be true! And as we speak, Comrade Lieutenant Sofia is leading her army of little Avril-ites and Blink 182 fans to purge America of such MTV-pimped trends like Eminem and Vanessa Carlton. Punk is the only real music! Mother Avril is the only real musical artist out there! She keeps it real cos she's real, not fake like Britney Spears! Not at all!
For more information, email our Regional Kommandant Il Egal and say "Yes I want to be a juvenile dickhead like you and piss my friends off by pretending to be a stalker!" Because you know, it's really fucking funny when you start emailing your friends from a freemail account and do some stalker shit to live out your psychotic Glenn Close fantasies. 29th January, 2003 I've got a fucking hit counter!!! (Hell for some weird reason I've got two!) Finally, and it's only been hmmm... what? Five months since I wanted to put it up? But anyway it's all up and shit... so yeah. Cool! If you wanna see it, it's right there at the bottom of this page! Go go go!!! I'm so fucking proud of my hit counter. I've wanted one for ages... but you know, Java-script confuses the hell out of me. Then Tammy said something along the lines of "11 year old kids have managed to put up hit counters on their homepages... why can't you?"... and then I felt utterly useless... but you know, there's one now... so it's all good. So now, all of you have to like repeatedly come visit this site so that the counter will jump up to a respectable number of hits :] ---
(Click on poster for larger version) Well, Meza Virs is playing LIVE on the 1st of March at Clarke Quay! Make sure you click on the pic for more detailed information! I won't be there cos I'll be out of town, but you guys don't have an excuse (unless you're like, I dunno... not black metal fans or something... which I guess is a good enough excuse... but still, you should go anyway... open some new horizons... at least until Meza Virs finish their set). --- Oh, and if you look in the Guestbook you'll notice the weirdest fucking entry ever. Who the hell are these "Illegal" people and who the fuck do they think they are, threatening to hijack my site to start some revolution? They sound like religious fanatics if you ask me... and everyone knows I HATE religious fanatics (ever since I encountered the Retros from Privateer... "Die by the very weapons you adore!"). Anyway, I'd just like to point out that as I write this update, no hooded terrorists with AK-47s have crashed through my window and brainwashed me to join their righteous cause yet. I'm prepared, you dumb shits. I've got my unholy army of undead Ninja Werewolves ready and waiting for your self-righteous revolutionary bullshit. But anyway, I haven't received any kinda word from them apart from that Guestbook entry. Maybe they're frauds. --- Oh, and I've put up two new buttons on the menu for the Archive and Frankie's Dumbass of the Week. I dunno shit about html and frames or whatever, so yes I do admit that they fuck around with the overall structure of the site... but hey they work and that's that. 27th January, 2003
Well, it's finally happened. I've declared a War on Avril! After the whole failed waiting outside her hotel to get a photo with her situation, I was already a bit wary. But you know, I could let it slide since she did just crawl out of a 22 hr flight from LA. Then Cedric started telling me horror stories of how she was a bitch backstage... and then I read interviews where she would act like a spoilt immature brat... and I spent a bit of time discussing the evils of Avril with Goh and reading up on the many anti-Avril articles on the net (of which there are many, including this gem). But the last straw was going to see her at her Autograph session (and hopefully get some autographs. We even bought original copies of the album so we could get them signed). Firstly, I got there with Tammy and her pal Jo and we felt so out of place. The place was swamped with little teeny-bopper fans.
Speaking of the queue, in order to get to the end of the long line we had to walk almost a block away from the signing area (the fountain outside HMV). About an hour later, we realized that there's no way we'd be able to get our CD's signed if she was going to only sign autographs for an hour. So we bailed and did something more interesting. Tammy and Jo started running around picking random Nice and Decent fans to humiliate for the camera (for more info, check the News section). But ultimately, we still wanted to see Avril so we made sure we could try to find a spot to see her when she appeared. It wasn't easy with all the fans crowding the entire complex cheering: "We want Avril!" Of course, it was slightly easier since most of them were about 12 years old so we could just look right over them. It was when Avril finally appeared that I totally lost my faith in her. And do take note that this is the first time I've ever gotten a good look at her since she's arrived here, since I didn't have the benefit of being the stage manager at the MTV Awards concert (Cedric you lucky bastard!).
I'd read the articles, the anti-Avril sites, the interviews, seen a couple on MTV and shit... and I didn't think her pretentiousness and attitude problem was that bad... but when I saw her just idly, sometimes frustratedly signing autographs for her fans and totally snubbing them when they asked to shake her hand or hug her... I started wishing that Eminem would reserve a few rhymes in his next album to dis her with. At that moment everything negative thing about Avril just flooded back into my head. Her "No! I'm not a pop-star. I'm a ROCK-star. I'm hardcore." comment, her photos of her with a guitar and a skateboard, her frequent dissing of Britney Spears, and all that other shit. She is the pop-world's equivalent of Randy Moss at his worst! (of course, Randy's a much better team-player these days) Anyway, at that point I just figured that I didn't like her anymore. A week ago I was such a big fan of hers that I was willing to wait outside a hotel at ungodly hours of the morning just to catch a glimpse of her, but now I'm a die-hard Vanessa Carlton fan. Yep... my allegiance switches really quickly when it comes to pop-idols. I'm such a MTV-whore... Oh, and this could also be because TAMMY got her copy of Avril's album signed and I didn't. I'm so jealous!!! --- In other news, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers have defeated the Oakland Raiders to become the champions of Superbowl XXXVII!!! And not only that, but during a time-out I heard the unmistakable sounds of Vanessa Carlton being played in the stadium! Woo woo woo! While Tampa Bay's team was clearly superior, I thought that Oakland's Raiderettes were soooo much hotter :] --- No seriously, you HAVE to read this anti-Avril article. And finally, I'm starting a new section for the site. It's called Frankie's dumb-ass of the week. Ever since he got himself a digital camera, my brother's been running around taking photos of random people on the street, and we're going to put up the best of the best for your viewing pleasure! One time I was watching MTV, and it just so happened to be a special on the Making of Michelle Branch's Goodbye to You video. While I could take the skater approach and totally rip into Michelle Branch and the ol "Oh Alan Peterson was just innocently skating a pool when MTV whore Michelle Branch came along and totally fucked him over by putting him in a shitty video", I'll choose not to because if you wanna read elitist skater crap you can always mosey over to www.shortysinc.com or some shit like that. But instead I was intrigued by how different Michelle Branch looked in the music video and in the behind the scenes footage. I couldn't put my finger on it at first, but eventually I came to realize that in her music videos the video editors must've put something I coined the "Michelle Branch Video Filter" on her. I think at this point, pictures are worth a thousand words... or some shit like that.
Okay, whilst the second picture is probably not the most flattering picture in the world (kinda like this photo of Dave), it nevertheless does highlight the amazing powers of the MB Filter. It transforms a sorta chubby girl with a round face that whilst amazingly cute (except when captured in moments like the picture above) is still sorta normal and most guys won't take a second look at her, into an object of lust and desire, especially when pictured strumming a guitar. Recently I discovered that Michelle Branch is not the sole beneficiary of the MB Filter. Whenever I browse CD's at CD stores, my eyes are always distracted by a certain CD... this one:
I'm not sure why, but I always have to take a second look at it. Maybe I think she's hot, who knows? Piano playing chicks are usually hot. Look at Tori Amos (someone who will definitely be in the Hot Older Chick of the Week section as soon as I make such a section up). But then again, I knew nothing about Vanessa Carlton until I was force-fed her music in Aaron's car. And you know what? It was nice. And I figured her to be a total hottie who could play a piano and sing. Imagine my surprise when I finally saw her in a music video... firstly, unlike Tori Amos she did not masturbate on the piano chair by rubbing her crotch up and down the edges of the seat (major turn-on), and secondly she looked different in the video than on the album cover. I couldn't find a video still of the video in question, but here's another pic of Vanessa Carlton:
I dunno, but the album cover reeks of the MB Filter. Maybe because the Goodbye to you video is more recent than Vanessa Carlton's video and so the MB Filter's powers have been improved to affect an entire video and not just an album cover, or maybe Vanessa Carlton just likes to keep it real... But hey, you can definitely tell that in the album cover she's been... slimmed down somewhat, right? But you know what? Whilst Michelle Branch definitely benefits from the MB Filter, I think Vanessa Carlton looks better without it. Okay, I admit it... I like slightly chubby girls... Add that to the list of fetishes along with fluffy socks and pom-poms. Why'd I bring this whole thing up, anyway? Well, any excuse to put up a pic of Vanessa Carlton, really. I mean, in the new Counting Crows music video for the Hugh Grant/Sandra Bullock movie, they've got Vanessa Carlton in the video even though all she does is sing "la la la" every now and then... she doesn't even have lyrics or plays the piano in the video... she just says "la la la". But you know what? If I were to write a song, I'd definitely write in "la la la" just so I can invite Vanessa Carlton into the studio and to shoot a video with her. Cos she's HOT. And she plays the PIANO! Which means she has dextrous fingers! Now if only she was a monkey like Helena Bonham Carter in Planet of the Apes so she can do stuff with her feet too. That scene where Ari was writing in her diary with her feet while doing her hair with her hands drove me nuts! Okay, I'm freaking myself out now... I'd better go away and do something non-sexual... like skate. Yes, that's what I'll do... I'll got skate. --- BTW, isn't weird that the warning that this site is best viewed in 1024x768 resolution is not visible when viewed in a 800x600 desktop, because you'd have to scroll down to it and nobody would actually do that? Well, yeah... I do admit that this site is hideous when viewed at 800x600 or under... but... but... 23rd January, 2003 For the last two nights I've been listening to late night radio in the futile hopes that I could be one of three lucky listeners who dialed into the radio station at the right time to win tickets to the MTV Asia Music Awards Concert. After the whole failed stalking Avril debacle, this is probably the only other way to get to see her, seeing as tickets to her concert tonight were all sold out when we checked last week. Damn our own slack attitudes... Anyway, despite redialing and redialing over and over (if this sounds repetitive, you should actually try it for yourself) until 2 am, I didn't get through... not even as unlucky caller #8 when that annoying bitch Carrie was looking for caller #9. Well I didn't want to bitch about the radio listeners who got through, cos that would just make me out to be some bitter jealous dickhead... (which isn't exactly untrue... especially since the winner was some ditzy chick that was like... omigod I only rang once and I won!) But I did want to bitch about the radio deejay... Oh fuck how patronizing can you be? Dig it, here we've got some annoying bitch with a fake-assed accent going all happy and ditzy on the air... nonchalantly hanging up on the people who weren't lucky caller #9 after giving them smarmy single word comments to inform them of their misfortunes. I'm surprised so many of them took it so well when she was obviously such a bitch! Had I been #8, I'd surely have in a fit of fury exclaimed: "Don't hang up on me you bitch, or I'll gut you like a-" before she'd hang up on me and gone off to air-headedly chit chat with lucky caller #9. And there's another annoying thing. When she's talking to herself announcing The Ketchup Song and shit, she'll be putting on her fake-assed accent, but it'll immediately disappear when she starts chatting to caller #9. Yep, her carefully crafted straight-from-TV accent will disintegrate into her normal Singapore accent, and "Yo, how's it going, dawg?" will become "Aiyoh, welcome to the show, lah!" How fucking pretentious is that? Anyway, I guess I am just a bitter jealous dickhead after all... because deep down inside, I wanna be a late night radio jock too... especially for Carrie's 11pm till 2am timeslot!!! 21st January, 2003 So there we were, sitting outside Avril Lavigne's hotel, and we were like the only two ppl there who were waiting for her. It was about 3 am, our morale was high, and we believed that luck was on our side. After all, Cedric just found out that Meza Virs has been selected out of numerous other bands to be a support act fot an upcoming major gig... which is majorly good news indeed.
But lo and behold, it was not meant to be. After waiting for TWO HOURS in the mosquito infested area, we finally saw the buses pull up and we headed straight there. I saw Avril in a white outfit sitting in the bus, and she walked out of the bus just as we got to the driveway... and then she walked right in. Somehow, Ced and I managed to blend in and just go in with her, but she'd gone straight to the elevator and we got there as the doors closed. We blew it... to sum it up, here's Avril's guitarist Jesse Colburn.
Yeah... I gave him a semi-translucent speech bubble so you can make out the Thrasher t-shirt he was wearing. So we chatted with Jesse a bit... He told us how they'd just walked out of a 20 hour flight so everyone's kinda just stoned and not in the best of moods... and I explained to him the amazing law in Singapore regarding oral sex (it's legal to perform it as foreplay, but if done on it's own it's an immoral and illegal act), and then we were thrown out by the hotel guys.
That guy was practically laughing his ass off at our incompetent attempt at playing papparrazzi. I can't believe that I didn't get a single photo of Avril... damnit. Oh well, maybe I'll stake out the hotel and stalk her in the morning. But if my luck is anything like it is tonight, then I may as well stay in bed and sleep in... :( Wooo! I just watched the Oakland Raiders whoop Tennessee's ass (Rod's gotta be stoked about his boy Gannon's performance). Everyone's winning shit this weekend, making today a very manic Monday indeed. Lots of excitement all over. Lemme clarify:
Last night Remember Sammy Jankis played at Youth Park and totally CANED the opposition they faced at the contest. I mean, the venue was a little bit rainy and the crowd was weak all night long... especially since the two hosts of the contest were completely boring-assed fucks who wouldn't give me a prize (yeah, so I answered their questions with dumb replies, but hey I was a fuckload more entertaining... and much prettier than that bitch. And the other guy kept calling me "Killer" because of the shirt I was wearing... don't dis John Woo and Chow Yun-Fat you cock-knocker!). Anyhow, when RSJ came on and ripped into their first song, the crowd went wild! I felt almost sorry for the acts preceding and succeeding them, because they were really put in their place by our pals from RSJ... who have now officially made it to the finals of the competition... to be held at HMV on the 22nd of February. ---
And speaking of making it into the finals, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers have defeated the Philadelphia Eagles and are on their way to the Superbowl!!! This is the first time in franchise history that the Bucs are going to the big game, and my sister and I are really stoked. No, I'm still a big time Vikings fan, but ever since the divisions were realigned and the Bucs were no longer division rivals of the Vikings, I've taken a liking to the Bucs. Well, except for their all American nice and decent QB Brad Johnson (an ex-Viking). Okay, yes, the pic doesn't actually depict the team... but hey I realize that most of you ppl who read this don't really give a shit about the NFL so I figured I'd put up a pic of the Bucs' cheerleaders instead. I realize that you soccer fans out there aren't too familiar with the concept of cheerleaders, being more familiar with dumb mascots like giant hammers or silly big cannons... but in this sport the fans like to look at girls. At this point I'd like to just point out that it's my firm belief that the greatest invention ever when it comes to female accessories is the pom-pom. Pom-poms are great. Every girl out there looks twice as good the moment she starts shaking her pom-poms around. --- Well, Avril Lavigne arrives in Singapore tonight, and we have inside information of her whereabouts! So Ced and I are gonna go on a stake out now, and hopefully we can not only catch a glimpse of everybody's favorite sk8ter grrrl (whoops I forgot to use the speelchecker)... but maybe I can get my Christmas wish and dip my finger into that yummy barely legal coin slot! It's gonna happen... when we were discussing our plans to ambush her, Complicated was played on MTV, so that's a good sign, right? It's fate... Avril was meant to be mine :] 15th January, 2003 You know I noticed lately that the updates that I've been making in the last couple of weeks have been mainly derogatory in nature... And if you look at them, they've been getting more and more personal too... Likewise, the updates have gotten steadily more offensive, and I'm heaping more and more shit onto the poor schmucks that I've chosen as the hate-victims of the day... I think it's even causing some dissension in the ranks too, as I just noticed that Dave has gone and put a Guestbook entry denying his involvement in any of the flaming. Not sure why he had to mock my height though. Maybe he's got a crush on Nicole Kidman. I didn't know he liked whores. Anyway, I realize that some of you guys, especially those of you who've had your picture put up on the site along with a badly photoshopped speech bubble containing toilet humor, might start to take offense at this and take it quite personally. "Oh no, Pan you put an unflattering pic of me on your site (not that I'd know because I'm too much of a stuck-up bitch to visit your site), you're such an asshole! What'd I ever do to you? Leave me and my rich boyfriend alone." If I wanted to put up a website with lots of ass-kissing updates, I'd have set up www.ass-kisser.com (domain name still available as of this update) instead. If I wanted to put up a website where I continually try to convey to the world how much I want to suck my own dick, I'd have set up www.suckmyowndick.com (domain name also available at the time of this update... surprisingly enough). So fuck that! I'll flame when I wanna flame. I'll put your picture up on my site and give you shit, because I wouldn't care if you did the same to me. If you don't like it, sign the Guestbook and voice your complaint... or not. Either way, the answer will probably still be the same: Fuck you! Don't be an asshole in the first place, and I'll have nothing to give you shit about. I was taught in High school that quoting someone famous will always make your point seem more poignant and shit... so here's that quote: "Cos I don't give a fuck if you don't like my shit. Cos I was high when I wrote this so suck my dick!" - Enimem. Which is my sentiment exactly... everything except for the high part. Hell, props to anyone who'd risk getting high in Singapore. I heard they do random piss-testing on the street or something, and anybody with drugs in their system gets fed to the lions. PS To those of you who are voted or are going to vote "Pan's a misogynist" on the poll... please also vote on one of the four Evil females too? Honestly, I don't give a fuck about what you think of me, but I do care about your opinions concerning everything else (especially the videos we make here... if it's one thing we care about, it's how we can make our videos more enjoyable for YOU!). 14th January, 2003 What's the most evil kinda female out there? Some time a couple of years back I went and watched the Japanese cult film The Ring together with some friends. They thought it was hilarious and cracked up everytime a dead body showed up. Of course, that was them... myself... I was scared shitless. I couldn't sleep for a whole week... everytime I glanced at the TV I thought "Fuck no, not please don't flicker"... And after a week of sleepless nights staring at the ceiling, I thought to myself that I'll never ever watch anything that freaky again. Then the American version came out a couple of months back... and well... it's like Steven Neil put it: "It's kinda like having a big heavy night of drinking, and then when you wake up badly hung-over you tell yourself that you'll never ever do that again... but you will anyway." And you'd think that a remake wouldn't be as scary, since I know what happens almost scene for scene. I hoped like hell that this would be the case, but I was wrong. Fucking wrong. Anyway, I thought about why the movie fucked me up so badly... and it was obvious. Sadako/Samara, the main spooky chick simply scares the shit out of me. That's the evillest creepiest bitch I've ever seen! I've never really been so freaked out by an evil creepy demon chick before... and I probably never will. But that's just me. I get scared sitting in the hairdresser's chair for fuck's sake. Back onto topic... I thought about what kinda other girls are evil, aside from Creepy Demon-girls. And here's the list I came up with:
Creepy Demon Chick: What can I say? A spooky freak with long hair that appears out of nowhere and kills you, not by slashing you to pieces, but by scaring you to death... That's fucked up. It's majorly fucked up. Of course, the second movie tried to make some sorta bullshit explanation about the "haunted" video being a carrier for some small-pox variant virus... but it doesn't matter because there's still the image of the spooky long haired demon-girl to scare the shit out of you. I mean, as I write this I'm fucking paranoid that I'll look behind me and see that bitch standing there, pointing at me with her soggy undead fingers. How fucking evil is that? I read up on the storyline, and Sadako is out furthering some sorta evil master plan to destroy humanity and punish it by making us suffer the same way she did... She wants to destroy the whole world because she was abused and hurt as a child... well, that's pretty bad, but to hold it against the world and punish it thus... that's pretty evil. All because she's an angsty spirit driven purely by her hatred of mankind. You guys might decide that the Creepy Demon Chick is the least evil simply because she's the one that doesn't exist, as opposed to the other three. But you're wrong, damnit! You're fucking wrong! Sadako is real! Not only that, but she's a Korean Design student at my uni! I shit you not. She might not be Japanese, but the hair is a dead give-away. Not only that, but nobody's been able to ever get a good look at her face either. Bridie hasn't seen The Ring yet, but still she swears that there's something peculiar about this Korean girl. Argh! We're all gonna die!!! Gold-Digger: I was reading an article in some shitty teen magazine the other day (I love reading teen magazines for some unknown reason... especially for the help columns) and I read a story about some dipshit that had a girlfriend that used him for his money. And when she totally drained him of his savings, she moved on. When I was reading it, I found the story oddly familiar, and then realized that it sounded like the Aliens in Independence Day, who go around from planet to planet plundering and strip-mining it for resources until they drain it and move on. Now, that's just fucking cold and evil. Like some sorta vile parasite, Gold-Diggers latch onto rich dumb-ass after rich dumbass, leeching and sucking them dry... abandoning the poor host when he can no longer afford to buy them another diamond necklace for Christmas. Meanwhile, the poor guy won't even have time to enjoy the relationship as he'll have to take up several jobs in order to bring in the cash to satisfy his vile girlfriend/wife. The kinda stress that a guy would go through under that kinda relationship must be immense... not to mention the psychological blow that you must take when she then dumps you for a guy with more cash. I shudder at the thought... Mainly because I'll probably be dumb enough to end up with a girl that vile. Evil Manipulative Ice-Queen: Oh now I totally hate these chicks. I'm sorry, but I really hate Ice-Queens. Just think of Estella from Great Expectations. A variant of the Gold-Digger, an Ice-Queen isn't just satisfied with spell-binding the one guy, but she's gotta cast her evil spells over many different guys at the same time, hand-picking each one for one special purpose. That way, she doesn't have to commit to one guy and can maintain variety in her pack. She'll get one guy to be a driver, another one because he can get her into exclusive clubs, a guy that gives her free drugs, and maybe one more dude because his dad owns Starbucks and she loves her free frappuccinos. So how does this cruel-hearted bitch accomplish this? She struts around flirting with everyone and milking her charms for all they're worth... giving off vibes that just says to every would-be suitor: "Hey, I'm available and single... I'm looking for someone to win my heart." So every dude would be like, "woah that could be me. I gotta start acting all smooth and shit and impress this bitch." And to do so they'll just start ass-kissing and pampering... playing right into the plans of the evil manipulative Ice-Queen. Of course, all their efforts would be in vain, for the Ice-Queen, like her name suggests, has a heart of pure ice, which nobody can come close to melting. Naturally, should anybody realize that they'd give up on her, so the Ice-Queen knows to play it up a bit and warm up a bit everytime she receives the special attention and services that she so desires. That way, her victims get the false sense that they're getting closer to her heart, not knowing that they still probably mean shit to her. But charms and looks fade, and eventually when the Ice-Queen matures she'll probably mutate into a Gold-Digger and latch onto one of her many brood and use him as her primary host, and mate with him to conceive an offspring which she could nurture and train to be another Ice-Queen, to locate and subjugate suitable would-be son-in-laws which would have to provide the mother-queen with material gifts in order to win the affections of the daughter. And thus the evil cycle continues... Nicole Kidman: Anyone who knows me will probably be aware of my strong distaste for Nicole Kidman. If the other three contenders merged to form one super-evil entity, I would expect the result to be Nicole Kidman. She combines the cold-hearted manipulative charm of the Ice-Queen, the parasitic behavior of the Gold-Digger, and the ruthless selfish ambitions of the Creepy Demon Chick. I mean, this is the bitch that latched onto Tom Cruise and totally used him to further her own career in Hollywood. Tom Cruise (yes, Tom Cruise's name deserves to be in bold font everytime it appears)! The same wonderful guy who was Jerry fucking Maguire!!! She meets him during Days of Thunder, sinks her vicious claws into him, and uses him to ride her career up until Eyes Wide Shut... when she decides: "Hey, I've worked with Stanley Kubrick... I don't need to be Mrs. Tom Cruise anymore to be a major player in Hollywood." and tells Tom Cruise something cold like: "I have no use for you anymore." Bitch was actually cruel enough to say this about the divorce: "Now I can wear heels." - August 2001. Ever seen To Die For? That's pure Nicole Kidman. Conniving, manipulative, greedy... the embodiement of evil. ---
I don't know about you guys, but personally I think it's a tough choice for most evil chick... I'm kinda torn between Nicole Kidman and the Creepy Demon-Chick. You see, although Creepy Demon-Chick kinda wants to inflict evil and terror on the entire fucking world (and not just people who watch movies), she sorta has a reason to... being abused and raped as a kid, not to mention being dumped into a dark well to slowly await her eventual death. Nicole Kidman is just self-absorbed. PLUS, there's a TV series of The Ring where whenever Sadako appears to kill her victims... she does so completely naked. And as you can see... when she's not got her face covered by her hair in a creepy manner she's kinda hot :] Which is more than I can say for Nicole Kidman, who personifies Ugliness in every sense of the word. Anyway, stop reading this and go vote! And then click on Yukie's link to try to decipher Jap stuff, or just check out her T&A here. Or if you'd rather more hardcore stuff... check out the nudie Sadako here. Omigod... I've just become a porn-pimp!!! 13th January, 2003
I'm sure that everyone's been eagerly anticipating this announcement... and I gotta say, I'm quite surprised by the results. I mean, there were a few early leads and some ties, but then one person came up on top mid-way through and it looked like he would soooo win. But then a whole shitload of votes poured in for another person, and the two were tied for a while. And then one person who didn't get any votes for most of the week suddenly ended up with more votes than a few others. But all you really care about is the winner, so here he is: To announce the winner, I actually wanted to get the boring guy that originally inspired the Nice and Decent thing... but unfortunately, I don't have a picture of my ex-girlfriend's new boyfriend, so instead in his place I got Hollywood Nice and Decent guy Rick Moranis, star of such movies like Ghostbusters and Honey, I shrunk the kids! But anyway, Cedric, Cheok, Shaun and Nick came in with 1 vote each, followed by Jason with 2 votes. At third place is Edwin and Daniel, who each received 3 votes. At second place is Frankie who looked like he was going to win with 6 votes, but the winner came in quickly from behind (because he likes to come from behind) and overtook him at the last minute with 7 votes... and that winner is:
So Hanxiang, our very own NDDD, is now officially Singapore's Nicest and most Decent guy! Of course, now you gotta ask yourself... "Do I really want to be officially known as Singapore's Nicest and most Decent guy? After all, doesn't that mean I'm kinda boring?" True, true. In fact, Hanxiang was very worried from the beginning that he might win, because he's already been called Nice and Decent once by a girl, and that's one time too many as it is. He sure as hell didn't want to be the Nicest and most Decent guy in Singapore. But hey, here's a consolation... maybe if good girls like bad guys, maybe bad girls like good guys. And right now, girls don't come any dirrtier than:
--- Oh and because nobody found
the new hidden Archive link (or because nobody cared), it's the
12th January, 2003 I should be putting up an update to announce the winner of the Nicest and most Decent guy contest. However, today I woke up stricken with sickness and I've been spending the day resting in bed and snoozing. I could barely eat, and walking around made my head spin in a major way. I was so fucked up I couldn't even bring myself to watch the Steelers/Titans game (which as luck would have, turned out to be a really close game that was won in overtime!). So because of this condition, the announcement of the winner of the Nicest and most Decent guy contest might have to be delayed a little bit. Why am I sick? I'm sure that the sensible answer would be that it's because I've not been sleeping much for the last week due to late nights and early mornings... but I know better than that. The way I see it, evil forces have gathered to make my life hell. That goth-wannabe Tzang from Inri Studio and Contraband have merged their collective evil powers to summon some sort of Sickness Demon to afflict me with this condition I've got now. Argh, damn their occultic powers. But I must not falter. I must conserve my energies, and forge some sort of voodoo Firewall to protect myself from the Sickness Demon, and any other psychic attacks they might launch at me. Then I shall unleash my hidden stash of Ninja Werewolves upon them. Ha ha ha ha ha! (maniacal laughter). I think I'll go and lie down now. My head's spinning. I watched Mulan today. It was cool. That evil dude was a major bad-ass. I'll have to get him to lead my Ninja Werewolves into battle (oh gawd it's all those Black metal videos... they're making me war-like... I AM THE WAR-CHIEF!) 12th January, 2003 Just to let everyone know... today is the last day for voting on the Singapore's Nicest and most Decent guy contest. Voting ends tonight, and the winner will be announced tomorrow. So if you haven't voted yet, please do so before it closes. And for Fuck's sake can someone vote for Jason so he doesn't end up voteless? He's really a nice guy... and really decent too! 10th January, 2003 Wow. Another strange person has signed my Guestbook anonymously! And it's gotten to the stage where we have PAGES in the guestbook... as in plural! Yes we've finally gotten over 5 entries... woo woo woo! And how come the last two entries have said that I like to flame people? Don't forget to check out the News page because we're now announcing yet another video production alongside the long-awaited Meza Virs Tragic Vendetta video! Or just head straight to the Coming Soon page to see what it's all about. Why are we announcing so many productions all of a sudden? Well, because I finally got off my ass to get a replacement battery charger for the video camera after the original one went AWOL soon after Christmas. I dunno, maybe Santa got pissed off that I forgot to leave him milk and cookies and made away with my battery charger. Or perhaps the Imps from my apartment in Sydney have followed me here to spread their mayhem this home too. Or perhaps I just misplaced it somewhere... where it will remain lost to me forever... kinda like my sex-life really. Oh well. Check it out... an update where I don't flame anybody. --- Fuck it, I'm going to flame someone: Pretentious indie productions that try to sell themselves through their own lack of production value and "guerilla film-making" vibe SUCK! Just like how people who can't be described by any adjectives aside from "Nice" and "Decent" suck, indie productions whose marketing strategy consists entirely of promoting it's low budget and lack of technical expertise SUCK! How much more emphasis can I put on that on top of the uppercase letters and bold font? "But Pan, shouldn't you, as a wannabe indie film-maker, support your fellow indie-film-makers?" - Mr. Nice and Decent
I dunno... why am I are pissed off by them? Maybe because their production took 3 years to make, had a $5000 grant from the Singapore Film Commission, a cast of over 40 people and a half page article in the newspaper, and the end result is about on par with our own HotD2 and I'll be the first to say it... HotD2 is nothing more than an amateur home-movie when you look at the level of photography, editing and lighting (what lighting?). The scary thing is, in comparison it took us about 3 weeks to make and cost $45.85 including fish & chips for the cast and a tube of fake blood. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to brag or suck my own dick or anything... but what I'm feeling now would be something like how a person feels when they get dumped by their significant others and gets replaced by a "Nice and Decent" boring-assed fuck! I feel over-looked... and a hell of a lot jealous of that $5000 grant. I could do a lot with that grant... for starters I'd set a cheap car on fire and make it explode! Oh... and hire some whores to dance around naked except for fluffy-knee high socks. Nudity equates to artistic credibility after all (e.g. Eyes Wide Shut... that had a whore in it. It's a good thing Tom Cruise broke up with her). But most of all I'm deeply angered by their claims of guerilla film-making and shit. Pissing five grand away on bullshit is not guerilla film-making. Writing a pretentious script which draws on teenage angst as a source of inspiration is not "innovative, non-traditional and concept-driven". If anything, it's just like Social Perfection (something I wrote in high school... a movie that's basically a puerile 120 page script where I rag into everyone I disliked). All in all, I gotta say this movie is exactly what would happen if you gave a camera and five grand to one of those poseur-fuck goths who maintain websites that contain nothing but angsty self-righteous rants and pretentious suicidal poetry. "Oh look how fucking misunderstood I am... woe is me. Look at me, but don't look at me because I don't care about your opinions... I'm so above all you conventional motherfuckers." Shit... I haven't been this iffy since being surrounded by toy-goths when I went to see The Cure in concert. 9th January, 2003 Erm, I was just informed that I totally fucked up big time and mispeeled Meza Virs as Mesa Virs. That little stoopidity leak has been rectified... and I totally apologize for my own incompetence. You see, I was late for an appointment (again)... yes I know I know... I'll add punctuality to my list of New Years Resolutions along with the more bitter stuff. Anyway, I was late for an appointment and I had to rush the update, and thus I fucked up big time. By the way, since I have your attention... does anyone know who's the "Brad Pitt fan" that signed my Guestbook? Because if nobody knows who it is... then maybe it's someone we don't know, and that means that it would be the first stranger to wander into my site and sign the guestbook! Wow! I'm waaaay stoked. Well, even if it's not a stranger, I'm still stoked anyway. So whoever you are, you made my day whether I know you or not! (hint to others... sign the new Guestbook! I've already put up 3 hyperlinks in this update alone!!!) --- Just another plug-in: Remember Sammy Jankis is playing LIVE on Sunday, the 19th of January at around 7pm at Youth Park. They're playing as part of a Battle of the Bands kinda competition. So if you wanna rock, make your way down to Youth Park on the 19th. Those discourteous dickheads from the Black Room who gave MWA a cold reception can just keep your wannabe pop-whore asses at home (yeah that includes you too, Denise! Yes, I do remember your name!). I can't believe Good Charlotte wasn't pop enough for you arrogant Britney ass-kissers. 8th January, 2003 I dunno if anybody's noticed, but Christmas has come and gone, and so has the Christmas decor that our site has had in that time. We're now back to the regular purple color scheme... good ol' purple color scheme, how I've missed thee... Of course, with the Asian New Year cropping up soon, we could revamp our site to have a red theme to it, but honestly I can't be fucked, and nobody loves Asian New Year like everyone loves Christmas... One thing that happened during the transition from the Christmas site to our regular site was the disappearance of the Archive Link! Just like the elusive G-spot, when you think you know where it is, it disappears and hides itself somewhere else. So once again, you get to scope out our amazingly interesting content-filled site and find that mischievous little Archive Link. Wow, barrels of fun and laughter for all the family! Also new with this update is some News about a music video that I've been asked to make. Oh, and the Links page is back up and has been updated. --- Okay, sports movies and TV shows are usually all the same, right? Whilst the themes dealt with in each usually (and hopefully) differs, the basic plot-line is generally the same. Some athlete type person shows a lot of potential, but meets with some sorta accident or incident that makes them afraid of "the edge" or whatever... and that fear prevents them from meeting their full potential and makes them less of a person... and at some point around the plot point between the 2nd and 3rd acts of the movie they overcome their fears to face adversity and thus their character arc is completed and everyone's happy. Recent examples... well, pretty much ANY fucking sports movie that came out recently. But let's assume that there are hermits that don't watch movies reading this (you know who you are), and look at some examples like Bring It On, The Replacements and Blue Crush.
So yeah, they're all essentially the same movie except with different sports. If they put out another skateboarding movie (as in, not Gleaming the Cube with Christian Slater), it'll be exactly the same movie as the others except the protagonist will be a skater that broke his leg trying the Leap of Faith and then becomes too fearful of jumping off high gaps. But you know what? I'll keep going back to see these movies, no matter how recycled they may be, as long as they keep putting hot actresses in them :] However, recently I saw something that took this tried and true formula and totally fucked it up. My sister was watching some shit on video, and I sat down to watch a scene with her. What I saw was a couple of stereotyped looking ricey guys in a basketball court with a bunch of rice behind them, yelling at each other in Chinese. I had no idea what they were saying since the subtitles were also asian. It didn't look very interesting, and my sister can't have been interested in it either, since she was watching it on fast forward and reading the subtitles instead of listening to the obviously badly delivered dialogue. What she was watching was this:
I think it's officially called My MVP Valentine and it's probably the worst concept I've ever heard of. Sticking a bunch of ugly-assed ricey dickheads into a TV series, yes that's right, a TV series and NOT a 90 min movie... and then give it a ridiculous plot. If you thought the whole "dropping the magic stick" plot of Bring It On was fucking farfetched... wait till you hear this one, as explained to me by my sister. The lead character (seen pictured standing next to the middle skank on her left) is involved in a minor traffic accident (which he walked away without a scratch), and because of that he can't play basketball. No, it wasn't a basketball-related incident... he fell off a motorcycle. And after that he's too afraid of physical contact to play basketball or commit to a stable relationship with a girl. Does that even make sense? To recapitulate: He fell off his bike, the bike hit his basketball rival's sister (whereas he was unharmed... can I just stress how unharmed he was?), and thus he can't bring himself to touch anyone anymore. So the scene I watched was the lead guy and some "other guy" (the dickhead standing on the other side of the skank) on the team wanting him to leave the team because he's become such a little pussy, and quite frankly if the "other guy" wasn't so completely ricey and ugly I'd agree with him (as it is, I can't bring myself to support someone that ugly). So he challenges the lead guy to a game of one-on-one, in an attempt to either get him to grow some balls (which is no easy feat for Taiwanese guys, or so it seems in this show) or get him thrown off the team. I got up and walked away before the scene even ended... but in my defense it was quite a long scene, and it was kinda obvious who'd win. Every time someone scored a bucket they had to show a slo-mo replay from about fifty different angles with reaction shots of the crowd and the other player inserted in. It was almost as bad as that cartoon Slam Dunk where each game of basketball takes up six episodes. If this is how movies and TV shows are made in Taiwan, remind me never to watch Taiwanese porn. Ever. I really don't wanna see the same cumshot in slo-mo replay from fifty different angles. Especially if they like to stick in annoying ugly skanks as lead actresses. 3rd January, 2003 Yo yo yo! It's the start of a new bitter year, and what to start it with than a bitter update? :] I was talking to my cousin a few weeks ago, and a scary-assed thought occurred to us. Okay, hypothetically, your significant other dumps you... In a clichéd world, good girls like bad guys, so statistically your girlfriend (for argument's sake, let's say the person in the example is male) might dump you for:
Tyler Durden. Now it's always pretty bad to lose out to someone else when it comes to love and relationships... but to lose out to Tyler Durden is like... I dunno... The Detroit Lions losing to the Minnesota Vikings, or the LA Lakers losing to any other NBA team. The winner was obviously superior, and the loser (unless in total denial) would totally understand that. I mean, if I had to lose my girlfriend to someone, I'd want it to be Tyler Durden. Or Jerry Maguire... or any Josh Hartnett character... But anyway, the conversation steered to the opposite end of the spectrum... What if instead, she dumped you for some totally different style of guy? What kinda guy might I be talking about? Well, I was up last night with insomnia and I was flipping through a copy of Lime Magazine that Tammy bought for me and I saw the perfect examples... so here they are, straight from Singaporean Indie-rock band 'SkiVe': (Okay, off-topic for a moment... what the fuck is a SkiVe? Band member Soon [yes his name is Soon] explains: "I settled on SkiVe - spelt with a capital V because it looks good - because it's a word we use a lot, like, 'Eh, why are you skiving?" Wow, guys! You are just totally jerking!) (For an entertaining read, pick up this month's issue of Lime for an interview with the band where the acts all pretentious and shit, followed by quotes from Music Label execs totally slamming their demo CD. And you can also rip out the full page photo of the band and use them as an example of guys you won't allow your little sister to date.)
Now is that the ultimate insult or what? To have your ex tell you: "Hey guess what? I replaced you with someone that's nice and decent. You know? The kinda guy mom and dad wants me to date." I personally would rather have my ex say: "Dating you has helped me realize that I'm a lesbian." Likewise, if my little sister ever brings home a weeny dorky boyfriend like the two examples above, I'd be quite disappointed in her. Of course, after I warned her she firmly denied that she'd ever be interested in an icky boring loser and started giving me shit for giving her so little credit. Besides, she's got her heart firmly set on the Rams' 2nd string Quarterback Marc Bulger. I dunno, on a similar note, I would probably die if someone described me as being "nice and decent". I mean, seriously, if someone can't find any better adjectives to associate with you than "nice and decent"... woah... it's like... shit... That's like a poor euphemism for a boring loser who's going to end up a 40 year old virgin who spends his weekends hanging out with his Bridge Club friends playing bridge, eating cucumber sandwiches and drinking Shandy. And by an odd coincidence, those were the exact two terms that a girl recently used to describe my cousin... not my bridge-club cousin (though I'm sure he gets that a lot) but my cousin who recently cleared the Koi pond gap and leaped to an ankle injury from a second storey balcony (woo woo woo!). Needless to say he gasped and nearly died of a heart attack when he found out what she said about him. THE "NICEST AND MOST DECENT" AWARD Anyhow... as a precautionary measure, I thought I'd start a little competition to see who is the nicest and most decent guy around. I went around Singapore to gather some nice guys from such nice places as the Singapore National Library, various Coffee Bean cafes, Childcare centers, Nursing Homes, Power Tools shop at the Heeren, and under the pedestrian bridge near Raffles Junior College. And here are the finalists, as voted by a panel of... well, me.
Please take the time to peruse the bios of our nine finalists, and then vote for the "Nicest and most Decent" guy on the poll on the right. Check back next week when we announce Singapore's "Nicest and most Decent" guy!
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It
was quite fucking ugly indeed. Everywhere I looked I saw little screamin'
teenies wearing mini Avril beanies. I never felt so fucking old in
my life. And not only that, but some of these mini-gangstas packed some
serious attitude, just like their "rock" idol Avril. We actually
saw a few 11 year olds jump ahead of us in the queue, aided by an angry
bitchy mother. 
button
at the bottom of this page. Don't believe me? 
